Positive Thoughts in Negative Times: Is Your Life Defined by Circumstances?

In my last blog, I talked about the difference between your life and your situation.  It’s very easy – human, you might even say – to define yourself by where you are and what you’re dealing with.  You’re the one-legged runner.  You’re the single mom of three.  The guy in line in unemployment.  The blind guy.   The woman watching her beloved mother die. Read more

Positive Thoughts in Negative Times: What Situation Are You In?

We are surrounded by negativity.  These days, in fact, we are completely encased in it.  The fear-mongering in every corner, our developing culture of intolerance and irritability, and the constant flood of sensationalist mass media.  Just today in a quick browse of the internet I found these stories: Read more

Life vs. Life Situation

It’s good to connect up with you and I hope you and your loved ones are doing well.

We live in challenging times. I’m going to be speaking to a group of young people in a couple of weeks and their leaders were telling me that these youth feel considerable stress, anxiety and a foreboding about the future. Some of them are depressed. Most of them know school friends who are talking about taking their own lives. Some have friends who have.
Hearing this saddens me. I feel for these young people, many of whom feel uncertain and confused. And it’s not just young people, these days. Certainly lots of adults are living with a vague sense of dread about circumstances that can seem pretty overwhelming and beyond their ability to control or influence.

These thoughts bring up a distinction to me–life vs. life situation. My life situation has to do with what is going on “out there”–events, day-to-day occurrences, global circumstances that affect us all (economy, state of the world) and personal circumstances that affect just me and perhaps my loved ones.

My life, on the other hand, is much more than my life situation. It begins with the very fact of life. Here I am–an incredibly complex living and breathing being which not only miraculously sustains life but interprets, makes sense, and chooses how to respond to life (or my life situation). This “being” (life) is so much more and bigger than my life situation.

That’s what I want to say to these young people. Your life is not your life situation. You can tell me all about your life situation–what’s going on, the “good” and the “bad,” the “facts” and circumstances. And I’d want to listen. I love to hear people’s stories. And most people find something validating about telling their stories.

But then I’d come back to my main theme. What is most important about your life is not what’s going on, in other words, all the facts and circumstances. Far more important and what really defines “you” and the quality of your life is your incredible ability to see what’s going on and make choices about what things mean and how you’ll act on them.
It’s true that lots of youth, and their parents, face some tough realities right now. However, it is also true that what things mean is not cast in stone. I get to decide. You get to decide.
I recently listened to a 31 year-old man by the name of Luke Jones tell his personal story. On March 2, 1980, at 18 months of age, he fell head first into a washing machine of scalding water. By the time Luke’s mother pulled him out he was not breathing and covered over 60% of his body with 3rd degree burns.

His mother immediately began resuscitation and had someone call 911. Little Luke was rushed to the hospital in a coma. His brain had swelled so badly that the doctors didn’t think he’d last through the night. But he fooled them. Although a long and difficult journey and close to death on several occasions, Luke survived.

However, many effects of the accident permanently altered the course of Luke’s life. For example, the scarring was permanent. His parents put him in a “spiderman” type outfit (with eye, nose, mouth and ear holes) to help his skin heal and, no doubt, to protect other people from the shock of seeing him.

When four years old he was in a Sunday School class for children. A new girl came into the class and, upon seeing Luke, started to cry. At first, the teacher could not get her to stop crying. the teacher eventually consoled her by holding her in her lap. But then each time the girl would look up and see Luke, she’d start crying all over again.

At some point, as the girl was crying, Luke got up from his chair and started backing towards the door of the classroom. Can you imagine what he must have been feeling at that moment– scared, rejected, inadequate? After several steps he could back up no further. What next? Would he open the door and run? Find a place to hide? Seek out his parents?
Instead, he started singing a children’s song entitled, “I am a Child of God.” At first, Luke sang alone. Then a few more children joined in and before long every child, including the frightened newcomer and an astonished teacher, were singing the words to this song. Fear yielded to smiles and love; misperception to truth and goodwill.

I’ve thought about the change that happened inside of Luke as he started to sing. Certainly, he couldn’t conceptualize it in his four-year-old mind, but singing the words of that song made a statement. “I know who I am. My life matters. I am worthy of your love.”

Far more important than Luke’s appearance is his ability to decide. Luke is one of the fortunate souls who have learned this lesson.

In fact, Luke’s had lots of opportunities in adulthood to receive reconstructive surgery to repair his ears, make them look normal. He’s refused, telling his parents, “This is who I am,” saying, in essence, “Who I am is okay. I don’t need to be different to be lovable or have a happy and successful life.”

Reality is what is, the facts and circumstances of my life, my life situation. But reality doesn’t define “me,” the essence of my life, or who I am. Responsibility is my ability to make choices about reality–what it means; how I’ll step up to it. And how I use this responsibility determines my results, my destiny, the richness, and meaning of my life.

So that’s what I want to say to these young people. Yup, there are some tough realities out there. I won’t minimize that. And it’s sometimes tempting to be overwhelmed by those realities.

But what’s bigger, those realities or your ability to choose? And then I’ll go on and teach them some strategies (challenging negative thinking, leveraging motivation, putting yourself in a positive and resourceful mental state) for stepping up to life, for making good, positive, and strengthening choices. Because, in truth, there is nothing stronger and more resilient than the human spirit. Somewhere inside these youth know that. I just want them to know that they know it.

And, by the way, Luke Jones continues to express himself today through song. (I wonder if it goes back to that moment as a four year old boy.) In fact, you can learn about his story and even order his music CD by visiting his website.

Respectfully,

Roger K. Allen

Self Actualization: Why are you here? – Part 2

New Zealand writer, poet and educator Sylvia Constance Ashton-Warner once said, “You must be true to yourself.  Strong enough to be true to yourself.  Brave enough to be strong enough to be true to yourself.  Wise enough to be brave enough to be strong enough to shape yourself from what you actually are.” Read more

Self Actualization: Why are you here? – Part 1

Why are you here?  Is your existence a series of reactions and habitual behaviors, just moments strung together like beads until the string runs out?

“The purpose of your life,” writes Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life:  What On Earth Am I Here For, “ is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It’s far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.” Read more

Self Actualization: What Are Your Guiding Principles? – Part 2

In November 2008, trucker Ronnie Sanders, 38, was hauling a heavy load of tractors and forklifts from Georgia to Independence when  on I-75 in Kentucky, traffic in front of him stopped abruptly.  Directly in front of him was a Grand Caravan, and he saw kids in the back seat.  Ronnie was bearing down hard, and he knew that the truck’s bulk would probably protect him from any injury – but that the people in the van would be crushed.  Without taking time to think about it, he jerked the wheel to the right and flew off the road into a 60 foot ravine.

Ronnie Sanders was guided by his principles – in this case, protect lives whenever possible, even at the possible expense of his own.

Self Actualization is the state of being clear on your principles and living by them.  When you achieve this state, you don’t need to agonize over moral decisions, and you don’t need to wrestle with balance your self-interest against your values.  The wrestling has already been done, and your decisions have already been made.

Let’s work through four steps to help you clarify and solidify your principles:

1. If you were nearing the end of your days and your family and friends were throwing a part y in your honor, what would you want them to say about you?  What comments would be most meaningful?  You were a hard worker?  You knew how to get what you wanted?  You were there for your kids?  You handled challenges with grace?  You were a fighter?
2. In the same scenario, what would you want them to say they had learned from you?  To never give up?  To serve others?  To refrain from complaining?  To listen when children talk?  To ruthlessly do what needs to be done?
3. Expect to spend some time on this next step.  It’s worth working on this until you’re satisfied.  Develop the first two steps into a set of guiding principles that you feel are the most important in defining your personal conduct.  Prioritize them and describe what each one “would look like.”  For example:  “Being a loving person is a top principle for me.   I want to make sure that I tell my family that I love them, and I want to show it in my actions.  For me this means not letting my busy-ness and tiredness stop me from being there when my kids need help with homework or when my parents want to see me  . . . “
4. Finally, summarize all of your principles into a credo.  This is another step that might take some time, but it’s a valuable process in attaining self actualization.  What is a credo?  www.credosquare.com has a terrific description:  “A credo is a statement of belief. It is what you think is important, what you think is true. It is your code, your compass, your gauge to measure the rightness of your path. A credo is what you stand for. A credo is your personal observation…the way you see it.”

If Ronnie Sanders, from the example above, had needed to stop and think about his decision, or agonize over the choice to end his own life to preserve others’, everyone in that Grand Caravan would have probably died.  But he was already clear on his personal credo.  His tractor-trailer rolled 60 feet down the embankment, tearing open its fuel tank en route, and came to rest in a ravine, where it burst into flames.  Sanders was trapped, tangled in his seat belt, and his legs were on fire.

He would have died, but for another person who shared the same credo – fellow trucker Steve Cooper.  Steve and his wife Kim were taking turns driving when Kim spotted flames and pulled over.  Kim helped another driver get their car clear of the flames while Steve bolted down the hill and climbed into the burning cab to rescue Ronnie – thinking all the while, “I do not want to be here.”  He managed to get Ronnie free and 20 feet clear of the truck before it exploded.  Both men were left with long-term health concerns as a result of their heroism, but both came out of the adventure with no regrets.  They had lived according to their credos.

If you need help defining your principles and creating your credo in order to achieve self actualization, join me for the Life Quest seminar in April, so you can become the hero of your own life.

Self Actualization: What Are Your Guiding Principles?

When you’re faced with a decision, what drives you?  Do you take the path of least resistance or act out of a need for self-protection?  Or are you guided by certain internal principles that defy apparent logic or short term thinking?  Part of self actualization – living a life built around knowing who you are – is having clearly defined principles and living within them: Read more

Self Actualization: Are You In Harmony With Your Passions?

Yesterday I discussed Kate, Jeff and Paul, three people who, while very different from each other, shared the fact that they were living in harmony with their passions and as a result had self actualization.

Now it’s time to talk about you.  Are you in harmony with your passions? Read more

Self Actualization: Are You Living A Life Of Passion?

After a life-time of juggling a job, kids, and a busy household, Kate lives alone in a small house in a quite suburb, where she keeps her garden, reads volume after volume of historical fiction, and has her dearest friends over once a month for a Bible study. She is happy. Read more

Self-Actualization: Who Gets To Choose Who You Are?

Actor/Comedian Steve Martin used to lead his audience in “The Non-Conformist Oath”:

STEVE MARTIN: And now, let’s repeat the nonconformist oath. I promise to be different. Read more

Self-Actualization: Who Am I?

Who are you? If self-actualization means that you reach your born potential, what will that look like for you? You are an utterly unique creation, born with a distinct set of talents, dreams, personality traits, and quirks. If you, through your experience of life, have suppressed that unique being, then you’ve disconnected from your powerful core. That core is a homing device, pointing you toward success as it’s defined for you alone. You have to reconnect with that “you” to find your ideal future. Read more

Self-Actualization: Are You All You Were Born to Be?

Paula Bernstein and Elyse Schein are identical twins. As part of controversial (and now widely regarded as unethical) research project in the 1960s and ’70s, they were separated as infants, as an attempt to resolve the “nature versus nurture” dispute.” Neither knew that she had a sister, let alone an identical twin, until they found each other at 35 years of age. Read more

Abundance and Prosperity: And What Have We Learned?

Does the past matter?

No . . . and yes.

No, it doesn’t matter. The past is gone. A memory. Not only a memory, but a flawed memory, stretched and twisted by perception, point of view and the distortion of time. You can’t change it. You can’t fix it. You can’t go back to school and get that degree you wanted, or ask your child one more question about his plans before you handed him the car keys. You can’t unspeak, unneglect, unscar. Read more

Abundance and Prosperity: What Made You . . . You?

If you ask someone who is, say, less than 25 years old to name the most defining moment of American history, they’re likely to say 9/11.

“Why,” you might ask. “What made that the most defining moment?” Read more

Abundance and Prosperity: Is it Too Late To Change Your Life?

Well, you’ve had some time to think about your lifeline now. Have you made any discoveries, surprised yourself with any patterns or recollections you weren’t expecting? Fantastic! Read more

Abundance and Prosperity: Are You a Warrior . . . Or a Fool?

It takes a certain amount of courage to set aside your defenses and take a long, honest look at yourself. If you’re ready to break free into a life of abundance and prosperity, it’s time to release the justifications, the illusions, the compliments that people have paid you and the insulting labeling they’ve smeared on you. It time to take in the real you, without judgment or fear. Let’s start by looking at your life so far: Read more

Abundance and Prosperity: What are You? What Have You Got?

Whether you are in your twenties, forties, or closing in on that “final curtain,” you have a dream for your future (I know this, because you’re reading this blog.  You haven’t given up!).  Is it a relationship you want to repair?  A goal you’ve been afraid to pursue?  A passion that has gone unfulfilled? Read more

Personal Development: Do You Know Your Three “R’s”?

We’ve been talking a great deal in recent blogs about how to distinguish between reality and your perceptions. You do, we learned, have control over how you feel about a situation. Why is this so important to understand?

Because your flawed or skewed perceptions of reality can actually alter reality. Let me explain: Read more

Personal Development: Can You Choose How You Feel?

Donald nodded. ”Let me ask you to do something. From now on, use the words ‘I chose’ so you really own your experience. You chose to feel hurt. You see?”

Hal shook his head. “I don’t see how I chose to feel hurt. It just happened.” Read more

Personal Development: How Can You Align Your perceptions with Reality?

“You believe what your mind tells you.”

In this series of blogs, I’ve been talking about the impact that our perceptions have on our understanding of reality. Hopefully, I’ve shown you how important it is to address this issue in your own life as you move forward in your journey of personal development. The question now is, how? If you believe what your mind tells you, as John Kelly said in the last blog, why would you think to question how you perceive reality? And how? How can you convince your mind to give up its illusions and look at the cold, hard facts?

• Play detective with your own thoughts. Gather clues and evidence and use them to distinguish between reality and your understanding of reality as filtered by your preconceptions, emotions and mindset.

• As part of your personal development, commit to writing down your thoughts while your emotions are still heightened. It’s nearly impossible to access emotions after the fact, so try to make a habit of sitting down in or immediately after a situation and journaling your emotions and perceptions. Then take another look when you are calmer and then again a day or so later. Continue to journal, sorting facts from assumptions and challenging your understanding.

• List other potential interpretations. Even if you don’t have time to sit and journal in a given situation, make a habit of reinterpreting your perceptions. For example, you call your brother to wish him a happy birthday, and he rings off abruptly. You and he have a history of jealousies and tension, so you are infuriated: “Why do I bother? He doesn’t care about me!” Good! That’s one possible explanation. Now let’s try to find at least 2 more. The more the better, so here we go:

• I guess I caught him at a bad time.
• He must hate having birthdays. Well, since I’m two years older, I can understand that.
• I wonder if he’s upset at something I’ve done lately? Or that I haven’t done.

In this example, you can only really draw one sure conclusion: You don’t know why he hung up suddenly. You don’t have enough information. If you call him again later or he calls you, you might have more information, but in the meantime, you just don’t know.

Why are we spending so much time working on this concept of perception vs. reality? I’m going to go into the why more in my next blog, but in the meantime, think about that last example. Putting yourself in that situation, what feelings do you think resulted from the original conclusion, and the subsequent ones?

Learning to manage your fact processing skills will make a dramatic difference in your personal development. To accelerate your progress even more, join me for the LIVE BIG seminar on March 12 and 13, and you can break free from your illusions for good!