Live Big: Are You A Bratty Hattie?

In an old house on the hill, live two sisters.  Only a year apart, they are very alike in appearance and life stories.  In their sixty-plus years, neither has ever married or gone more than fifty miles from her home.  But here is where the similarity ends.  Just look at how they conduct themselves on an average errand day.

The elder sister, Millie, always starts out bright and early on her errand day, hat perched neatly on her head and neatly penned list in her white-gloved hand.  She settles in her car, but before she starts off, she glances about her, checking her mental checklist:  Purse?  Wallet in purse?  Gas in tank?  Cell phone?  (Come on . . . Just because she wears gloves and a hat doesn’t mean she doesn’t carry a cell phone).

Once satisfied, she moves through her errands in a logical orders, taking into account both geographical considerations and logical considerations (the grocery store has to be last or the ice cream will melt).

Because she is organized, she has plenty of time to chat with the elderly Mrs. Dundridge to hear about her goiter for the third time and to take young Michael Caslow and his bike to the repair shop.  She treats herself to lunch — always trying a new restaurant or at least a new item on the menu — before facing the most difficult task of all.  She visits her father at the nursing home.  He has shrunken to an alarming emaciated state and no longer recognizes her, but she hopes some part of him feels the love she brings.

When she’s done, she usually stops by the community college to either browse the schedule or pick up a textbook for the next course she wants to take.  She’s in the middle of associates degree in marketing, and thinks she might take a part-time job when she’s done.  Her main goal is to continue learning and growing.

Millie’s sister Hattie has one errand or another to run nearly every day, because she’s constantly realizing too late that she’s out of ketchup in the middle of making sloppy joes or unable to find the paper punch she needs for scrapbooking in the cave of supplies that is her craft room.

She loves shopping, although she has to rotate credit cards, but she never goes into the mini-mart because the clerk used to fun of her in high school.  She think about visiting her father, but it makes her feel so awful that she usually changes her mind.  It’s been four months, in fact, since she forced her little car up the winding road to the hospital.

Sometimes she thinks about changing her life — getting a job to help pay down her credit cards.  There’s a “help wanted” notice on the craft store window.  She’d be perfect for the job, she thinks, but then rejects the idea.  Who would want to hire her?  She doesn’t have a degree or any special skills, and ,besides, she’s too old.  She should have gotten her degree when she was young and had the chance.

But it’s too late now.  Too bad.   If she worked at the craft store, she’d get a discount.  If she could just afford that amazing new scrapbooking file, she’d be able to organize her supplies.  Actually, she’d probably need two of the files.  Okay . . . six.  But then she could get it all organized.  But she couldn’t afford them.  Maybe in a few years, something nice would happen — a windfall or surprise — and everything would get better.

Since we’ve been talking about how emotional maturity can change your life, you’ve probably guessed that Hattie and Millie represent two ends of the emotional maturity spectrum.  I’m going to talk more about the specific qualities of emotional maturity in my next blog, but for today, let’s look at how you did on the Emotional Maturity Quiz in the last two blogs.  Total up your score if you haven’t yet and check your results.

If your score was:

0 – 10    You have attained near-perfect emotional maturity.  Or, more likely, you guessed the ideal answer and selected it.  Consider going through the questions again with an attitude of self-examination and willingness to challenge your assumptions.

11 – 30   You’re very high on the Emotional Maturity spectrum, again assuming that you responded with your feelings instead of guessing the ideal answers.  You’ve allowed your experiences to give you wisdom and you take responsibility for your life.

31 – 50    You fall somewhere in the adolescent range when it comes to Emotional Maturity.  Don’t be discouraged by this; the fact that you’re willing to reach for the power to change your life by answering honestly is a shining sign of your potential!

51 – 84  You’re in serious Hattie territory here — governed by habit, fear and blame.  Again, take heart from the fact that you’ve allowed the quiz to expose this self-limiting world view.  It takes courage to shine the light on our weaknesses.  That fact that you’ve displayed that kind of courage shows that you’re willing to go all the way to change your life!

Are you ready to unleash the power for life change that comes from attaining Emotional Maturity?  You’re going to be amazed by the forward-surge this gives you toward your bright future.  We’ll get started in my next blog.

Marriage Help: Is Your Marriage The “Happily Ever After” You Dreamed Of?

A short time later, he heard Kathy’s SUV pull into the garage.  He was surprised she didn’t immediately burst into the shop and light into him for not accepting Sam’s offer. Read more

Personal Development: Why Aren’t You Making The Progress You Want?

I went to a cook-out at a friend’s house.  As we sat watching the sun set, I noticed a contraption hanging from the corner of his house.  “It’s a mosquito trap,” he explained.

I’m not going to try to explain how it worked, but it was clever – and effective.  The little rascals flew into the jar, and they didn’t fly out again. Read more

Personal Development: Have You Ever Been Betrayed?

Personal Development:  Have You Ever Been Betrayed?

Hal glanced around the table, hoping that one of his long-time colleagues would speak up on his behalf.  No one, except Charlie White, met his eyes.  Not Keith, his golfing buddy who had lauded his every move – until Charlie’s arrival.  Not Patricia, a single parent who had asked Hal to be godfather to her adopted son.  Not Larry, a friend going back to high-school whom Hal had rescued from a dead-end job to become a partner in Western. Read more

Are You Cheating Yourself Out of Your Abundance and Prosperity?

After over two years of unemployment, Jim Moret finally had a job.  A good job – he’d been hired as the chief correspondent for the television show, inside Edition.  He should have been happy . . . but his upside-down mortgage and mountain of debt had him desperate and scared.  He writes, “ . . . the real prospect of losing everything you have worked for your entire life to achieve is devastating and utterly demoralizing.” Read more

Self Growth Products: Are They The Key to Making Your 100 Years Count?

I heard a song on the radio this morning that really struck home.  You might have heard it:  100 Years by the band Five For Fighting.

“I’m 15 for a moment, caught between 10 and 20 . . .” Read more

The Hardest Thing I’ll Ever Do

When I first wrote my book, The Hero’s Choice, I wanted it to become a best-seller. I don’t mean that I expected it to sell millions of copies, but certainly tens of thousands, if not a few hundred thousand copies in the first few years. I don’t think I’m all that different from most authors who want their work to do well. Read more

The Stories We Tell

One of my happiest memories from my childhood was climbing up onto the lap of a parent or grandparent and reading a story. Reading childhood stories was a way I bonded with my loved ones. It was entertaining. And it was a way I learned valuable lessons of life. Read more

The Hero Principle

Before people read my book they ask about the title—The Hero’s Choice: Living from the Inside Out. “What do you mean by the hero’s choice? What are you talking about when you talk about a hero?” That is a good question. So, I decided to write a blog about “The Hero Principle.” Read more

How to Make Change Stick

How often have you read a self-help book, listened to a great speech or attended a powerful seminar only to fall back into old habits within a short time? It happens to most of us. Read more

A Plan For Personal Improvement

There are many ways people go about becoming better human beings: Read more

Reframing A Negative Belief

In a past article, “Key Moments: Seizing the Opportunity in Life’s Difficulties” I defined key moments as a situation or event which is upsetting, presents a challenge and demands a response. How we handle our key moments determines, to a great extent, our happiness and success in life. Read more

Key Moment: An Example

In my last blog I presented the idea of a key moment. Now I’d like to bring the concept alive with an example from the workplace.

Remember the definition. A key moment is a situation or event that presents a challenge and demands a response. How we respond to our key moments determines, to a large extent, our effectiveness in dealing with life. Read more

Key Moments: Seizing The Opportunity In Life’s Dificulties

We don’t need to look far to find adversity. Most lives are characterized by some degree of difficulty and struggling, whether minor (a flat tire on the way to work) or major (the death of a loved one). We begrudge our adversities, wishing they would go away. Yet they don’t. Life just keeps happening, one event after another, in a seeming unending series of challenges.

I call such events Key Moments—situations or events that are upsetting, present a challenge, and demand a response. During such experiences we make choices, usually unconsciously, about how we’ll respond. And the truth is that how we respond to our key moments determines, in large measure, the quality of our lives, our happiness, and personal effectiveness. People who respond positively to their key moments grow in self confidence and the assurance that they can influence life and control their own destinies. Those who respond negatively gradually lose confidence in themselves as they give up control of their lives to external influences.

The following diagram sheds some light on what happens during a key moment.

As you can see, there’s a cause and effect relationship between the various elements of a key moment. Usually, however, the experience happens so quickly that we are only vaguely aware of the process as it unfolds. In order to “work through” our key moments and learn to respond in positive rather than negative ways, it is necessary to slow the process down and understand what is happening.

A triggering event is the incident or situation which sets up the cycle: your son knocks over a glass of milk at breakfast; you’ve been waiting for a friend for over 30 minutes; your teenager brings home a bad report card; you learn that your company is about to go through downsizing which will probably affect your job. Such events, whether minor or severe, occur daily. And they demand a response. Even ignoring them represents an unconscious attempt to deal with them.

Meaning

Meaning is the particular “spin” we give to events and circumstances. It can be thought of as a cognitive process of seeking to make sense out of what is happening and includes our thoughts, interpretations, judgments, or conclusions related to an incident.

It’s easy to assume that our emotions, during a key moment, are caused by events since they occur so spontaneously following them. In reality, however, it is not the event but rather the meaning that we give the event that determines how we feel and ultimately the choices we make. Feeling hurt was not caused by her boss’s behavior but rather the meaning she gave his behavior.

A truth is that events are just events. They have no inherent meaning. We give them meaning by interpreting them through the filter of our beliefs. Each person, observing the same event may arrive at very different conclusions. Imagine two people standing on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. One may conclude that this view is exciting and even inspirational. The other may conclude that it is frightening and overwhelming. Although the event is the same, the meanings are very different.

By examining and challenging the meaning we give to events and circumstances, we take back our power and find new options for responding to triggering events. This isn’t easy to do. We unconsciously equate the meaning we give events with the “truth.” We assume that the way we see things is the way they are. As a matter of fact, the mind functions to be “right” about whatever it happens to believe.

A student believes he is stupid. A young girl thinks she is ugly and that no guy would ever want to go out with her. A bulimic woman may be very thin and yet remains convinced she is fat. An employee believes that you just can’t trust management. A manager believes that employees really don’t care. And on and on.

Such beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. We see the world not as it is, but in a way that reinforces what we already believe. And so we become trapped, not by the events and circumstances of life, but rather by our meaning and beliefs about those events.

Feelings

Feelings are what we experience inside of our bodies following a triggering event. Whereas meaning is mental and occurs in the mind, feelings are somatic and occur in our bodies. There are two kinds of feelings:

Physical sensations: shortness of breath, nausea, muscle tension, rapid heart beat, tight jaw, dry mouth, sweaty palms, weak knees, etc.

Emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, helplessness, fear, inadequacy, anxiety, disappointment, depression, etc.

Our negative feelings, following a triggering event, can be a cue that something is out of balance and needs a response. We can use our feelings to pay attention to what is happening and thereby come up with a thoughtful rather than knee-jerk response.

If unaware or unable to thoughtfully examine and understand our negative feelings, we act them out in destructive ways. They influence our physical health, or may lead to self destructive behaviors such as poor job performance, addictions, estrangement from family and friends, etc.

Actions

Actions inevitably follow the meaning and feelings we associate with our triggering events. These actions can be weakening and self destructive or positive and strengthening. Since Key Moments can be uncomfortable and even painful experiences, our natural tendency is to dramatize or act them out in the following negative ways:

Fight (attack others): lecture, moralize, argue, find fault, put down, control, blame, slam, throw, hit, assault, sarcasm, etc.

Run (withdraw): pout, silent treatment, apologize, placate, martyrdom, take the blame, illness, sleep, etc.

Ignore (deny): suppress, apathy, intellectualization, distract, humor, escapism (work, drugs, sex, exercise), etc.

Consequences:

Consequences invariably follow from our actions and the way we handle our key moments. The consequences may be positive or negative depending on our responses. When we handle our key moments poorly, the consequences of our actions set up new triggering events; ironically, the same events that we wanted to avoid in the first place. We create the very conditions in our lives that we complain about and blame on others.

Seeing the Choices in our Key Moments

There are many forms of success in life. Yet, perhaps none results in greater personal satisfaction than learning to respond positively to our triggering events. As we do so, we experience less conflict and turmoil and greater peace and well-being. However, this process is not easy. Our internal reactions are often deeply ingrained, unconscious and automatic and therefore difficult to change. But it is possible. It requires awareness, commitment and persistent practice.

The process begins with self reflection and honesty. “Know the truth and the truth will set you free.” We are victims of whatever we are unaware of about ourselves. I can do nothing about the smudge on my face as long as I don’t know or refuse to admit it is there. Likewise, I cannot “choose” how I’ll respond to my triggering events as long as I am unaware of my internal experience, actions, and their consequences.

Therefore, it’s helpful to learn to explore and understand our key moments. What was the event that triggered my response? What about that event triggered my response? What meaning did I associate with the event? What emotions and physical sensations were triggered? What actions did I take and what were the consequences?

Key moments are, by definition, painful. So exploring them may sometimes be painful. But, as we face them with a desire to understand, learn and grow from them, they gradually dissipate and lose their power.

Awareness and exploration, however, are not enough. We must also take responsibility for ourselves during our key moments. How? By recognizing that the cause of our pain is not just the event but also the choices (usually unconscious) we make following the event.

A triggering event is a reality which has already occurred. We have no choice about that (although we did play a part if creating the circumstances in which the event occurred). However, we do make choices about our actions, our feelings and/or the meaning we attribute to those events. It is not what circumstances, events and other people do to use that hurts us most, but rather what we do to ourselves through the unconscious choices we make regarding the meaning we give those events, how we feel about them and the actions we take in relation to them. By being aware and willing to take responsibility for our reactions during a key moment, we can interrupt negative patterns and make new choices that that allow us to become the makers of our own destinies.

It is not easy to do so. In fact, I believe it is often quite heroic to make positive and strengthening choices in the face of key moments. There are lots of techniques for doing this, which I’ll talk about in upcoming articles.