Live BIG: How to Become Emotionally Mature

Hal hated the man, everything about him, from his knowing sneer to his rolling swagger.

He wished fervently he could get away and considered getting up and walking out without a word to either of them.  But then he garnered his faculties and decided to accept this reality.  He would choose how to respond, and his choice would be to act cordial and cooperative.  He felt a surge of strength as he realized that handling himself in a dignified manner with both these men would be a bigger personal victory than if he met with Keith alone. . . .

The Hero’s Choice

Do you want to change your life?  The single tool that you need, more critical than your intelligence, background or education, is emotional maturity.  In the last few blogs, we’ve been talking about exactly what emotional maturity looks like.

When your inner grown-up is running the show, you will be more self-aware.  You’ll recognize your feelings and manage them in a responsible way.  You’ll handle and build positive relationships and move yourself steadily toward your definition of success.  In other words, you will excel at life.

How can you be emotional mature?

1.  Be present.  Be in the moment.  You’ve heard it a thousand times, but it’s no less true for the repeating of it — this minute is the only one you have.  You can’t rewrite one minute of the past.  You can’t construct one minute of the future, except by taking hold of this minute you have right now.  You’re reading this blog right now.  What will you do with the next?  Focus on it when you’re in it.  And now the next?  Focus on it when you’re in it.   Hattie allowed herself to be defined by her past, her lack of education, her fear of rejection and change.  Each time she considers taking ownership of her present, her mind bounces back to those thing.  If she chooses to be present, she will instantly empower herself.  She could decide what she wants her remaining twenty or so years to consist of, and then set off to get it.

2.  Embrace reality.  Refusing to think about uncomfortable things gives those very things incredible power over your life.  Mona refuses to think about the reality of her financial situation and so continues to make it worse with each swipe of her card.  If you are worried about your finances, sit down and take stock of exactly where you are — how much you owe, for example, and exactly how you will pay it off.  Fun?  No.  Wildly uncomfortable?  Words can’t express it!  But by taking ownership of the reality, you’ve now equipped yourself to change it.

3.  Exercise responsibility.  You have choices.  You always have choices.  Refusing to admit that is like using a hard steel industrial padlock to secure yourself into a flimsy cardboard box.  There are numerous behaviors that Hattie could have changed in our example.  You also have numerous choices, but if you’re a “Bratty Hatty” they might be invisible.  Challenge your assumptions.

4.  Clarify your vision.  We talked about this a little bit in my blog about the definition of success.  Hattie wanders through her life, ruled by impulse and circumstance.  What does she want?  From our story, you’d have no idea of what she really wants out of her life, because she has no idea.  What do you want?  Define it, so you can get it.

5.  Act from Integrity.  No excuses.  No whining.  No hypocrisy.   Hattie pretends that she wants to be productive, but there’s no evidence of that in her actions . . . and the discrepancy doesn’t trouble her.  Again, challenge your assumptions.

By now, you’ve probably built a strong mental image of emotional maturity.  Maybe you’ve spotted some areas in your life that you want to change.  In my next blog, I’ll talk about another factor in your emotional maturity, called The Serenity Model.

Live Big: Are You Ready to Put the Grown-up In Charge?

Shamefully, Hal watched his wife and daughter turn their backs on him and walk inside.  Never had he felt so cut off.  He wanted, desperately, to hide, disappear, to revoke his own birth.  He wished for the earth to swallow him whole so he would never again face another human being.  Overwhelmed by what he had done, he stood frozen as waves of grief and shame pulsed up from deep within him. . .

He stared into the darkness.  His life was spinning out of control . . . and everything he did was making it worse.

The Hero’s Choice

Yesterday we met two sisters, Hattie and Millie, who fall on very different places on the spectrum of Emotional Maturity.  Today I want to introduce you to the specific qualities that make up Emotional Maturity (or the lack of it).  I’ll refer back to Hattie and Millie as I go through these, but you’ll likely see some reflections of your own life as well.

Let’s start with the traits associated with Emotional Immaturity.  You saw these with Hattie.  We can call these qualities part of your lesser self, or more colorfully, your Inner Brat!

Your Inner Brat:

Is reactive to life.  Hattie had many pretty wishes, but if you look at her actual actions, you’ll see that she was was like a pebble on the shore, being washed in different directions instead of choosing where to go.

Acts out of emotion. Hattie believes that seeing her father is important, but her actual action is dictated by her emotion (sadness) instead of her brain or values.

“Comes from” fear and scarcity. She would like to work at the craft store, and the income would help solve her debt problem, but she makes her decision based on her fear of rejection.

is motivated by “have to” and “ought to.” Because she has no apparent goals or direction of her own, her days are spent reactively.

Focuses on “getting.” What does Hattie want to be?  What does she want to do?  We don’t know, because when we were traveling in her mind, we saw only objects that she wanted, as if those objects were solutions.

Is dominated by the desire for security and self-protection. This takes us back to the job at the craft store.  Hattie is unwilling to take the risk to make a life change.

Avoids failure, rejection, discomfort and being wrong. This is reflected throughout our time with Hattie.

Allows separation and alienation from others. Remember the clerk in the mini-mart?  How long would it take for Hattie to walk into that store and discover whether the clerk is still the same person she was in high school (and who among us hasn’t changed since high school?)

Lives in the past or the future.  Hattie may wish that she’d gotten a better education, but if you’ll notice, her sister isn’t wasting her time wishing.

As you read through this list of qualities, some may have resonated with you more than others.  You may have allowed some of these to dictate your behaviors recently, even today.  Others may be patterns you fall into when you are tired or stressed.  When you allow your inner brat to make your day-to-day choices, you cripple your ability to succeed.  Your finances, your relationships and your self esteem all suffer.

Now we’ll take a look at the attributes of Emotional Maturity, as we saw in Millie.  I guess we could refer to this collection of attributes as your Inner Grown-up.

When your Inner Grown-up is running your life, you’ll be:

Proactive about life. If something doesn’t satisfy you, you’ll develop a strategy to change it — and then you’ll follow through.

Inclined to Act ON your emotions instead of OUT of them.  Millie was as sad as Hattie over their father’s decline.  She valued her emotion enough to “power-up” with a leisurely lunch (some “me” time) and to keep her trip to the college as something to look forward after the visit.

Governed by your vision or purpose.  What is Millie’s vision for her life?  Our little story never goes into the details, but her actions alone tell us that she has a purpose.   Do yours?

“Coming from” love and abundance.  Do you hesitate before reaching out?  Are you afraid there aren’t enough resources for you and others?  Do you compare yourself or your life to others?

Motivated by “choose to” and “want to.” Know your own purpose and values for your life, and live accordingly, instead of spending precious hours trying to satisfy others.  Make intentional decisions to change your life.

Giving and other-centered.  Although Millie has plenty to do and problems of her own, she instinctively lives by the old Hindu Proverb, “Help they brother’s boat across, Lo! Thine own has reached the shore.”

Willing to step-outside your comfort zone and willing to seek growth, take risks and take yourself to the limit of your abilities. In the last twenty four hours, have you taken a risk or stepped outside of your comfort zone?  How about in the last week, or month?  Life change is never comfortable.  If you find that you’re expending energy to stay in your rut instead of climb out of it, it’s time to make a change.

Inclined to seek unity and goodwill with others.  Life is too short to live in discord.  More important, as humans, we are made to live in families and communities and to work together toward common goals.  Treat your relationships as sacred and you’ll discover a critical tool to change your life.

Live in the present, making use of the moments you have.  So when should you begin to make these changes?

Now.

You only have now, my friend.  So let’s get started. . .

Live Big: Are You A Bratty Hattie?

In an old house on the hill, live two sisters.  Only a year apart, they are very alike in appearance and life stories.  In their sixty-plus years, neither has ever married or gone more than fifty miles from her home.  But here is where the similarity ends.  Just look at how they conduct themselves on an average errand day.

The elder sister, Millie, always starts out bright and early on her errand day, hat perched neatly on her head and neatly penned list in her white-gloved hand.  She settles in her car, but before she starts off, she glances about her, checking her mental checklist:  Purse?  Wallet in purse?  Gas in tank?  Cell phone?  (Come on . . . Just because she wears gloves and a hat doesn’t mean she doesn’t carry a cell phone).

Once satisfied, she moves through her errands in a logical orders, taking into account both geographical considerations and logical considerations (the grocery store has to be last or the ice cream will melt).

Because she is organized, she has plenty of time to chat with the elderly Mrs. Dundridge to hear about her goiter for the third time and to take young Michael Caslow and his bike to the repair shop.  She treats herself to lunch — always trying a new restaurant or at least a new item on the menu — before facing the most difficult task of all.  She visits her father at the nursing home.  He has shrunken to an alarming emaciated state and no longer recognizes her, but she hopes some part of him feels the love she brings.

When she’s done, she usually stops by the community college to either browse the schedule or pick up a textbook for the next course she wants to take.  She’s in the middle of associates degree in marketing, and thinks she might take a part-time job when she’s done.  Her main goal is to continue learning and growing.

Millie’s sister Hattie has one errand or another to run nearly every day, because she’s constantly realizing too late that she’s out of ketchup in the middle of making sloppy joes or unable to find the paper punch she needs for scrapbooking in the cave of supplies that is her craft room.

She loves shopping, although she has to rotate credit cards, but she never goes into the mini-mart because the clerk used to fun of her in high school.  She think about visiting her father, but it makes her feel so awful that she usually changes her mind.  It’s been four months, in fact, since she forced her little car up the winding road to the hospital.

Sometimes she thinks about changing her life — getting a job to help pay down her credit cards.  There’s a “help wanted” notice on the craft store window.  She’d be perfect for the job, she thinks, but then rejects the idea.  Who would want to hire her?  She doesn’t have a degree or any special skills, and ,besides, she’s too old.  She should have gotten her degree when she was young and had the chance.

But it’s too late now.  Too bad.   If she worked at the craft store, she’d get a discount.  If she could just afford that amazing new scrapbooking file, she’d be able to organize her supplies.  Actually, she’d probably need two of the files.  Okay . . . six.  But then she could get it all organized.  But she couldn’t afford them.  Maybe in a few years, something nice would happen — a windfall or surprise — and everything would get better.

Since we’ve been talking about how emotional maturity can change your life, you’ve probably guessed that Hattie and Millie represent two ends of the emotional maturity spectrum.  I’m going to talk more about the specific qualities of emotional maturity in my next blog, but for today, let’s look at how you did on the Emotional Maturity Quiz in the last two blogs.  Total up your score if you haven’t yet and check your results.

If your score was:

0 – 10    You have attained near-perfect emotional maturity.  Or, more likely, you guessed the ideal answer and selected it.  Consider going through the questions again with an attitude of self-examination and willingness to challenge your assumptions.

11 – 30   You’re very high on the Emotional Maturity spectrum, again assuming that you responded with your feelings instead of guessing the ideal answers.  You’ve allowed your experiences to give you wisdom and you take responsibility for your life.

31 – 50    You fall somewhere in the adolescent range when it comes to Emotional Maturity.  Don’t be discouraged by this; the fact that you’re willing to reach for the power to change your life by answering honestly is a shining sign of your potential!

51 – 84  You’re in serious Hattie territory here — governed by habit, fear and blame.  Again, take heart from the fact that you’ve allowed the quiz to expose this self-limiting world view.  It takes courage to shine the light on our weaknesses.  That fact that you’ve displayed that kind of courage shows that you’re willing to go all the way to change your life!

Are you ready to unleash the power for life change that comes from attaining Emotional Maturity?  You’re going to be amazed by the forward-surge this gives you toward your bright future.  We’ll get started in my next blog.

Live BIG: Are You Emotionally Mature (part 2)?

The phone rang.  Hal started to pick it up, but pulled back and looked at the caller ID.  His parents. Nope, not ready to deal with them yet.  Breakfast tomorrow with his father would be soon enough.  For a moment, he wished Kathy would call them and blurt out the news.  Of course, she wouldn’t.  Besides, he wanted to make sure his father realized how unexpected and devastating the board meeting had been.

But that was tomorrow.  What would he do today?  He needed to clean out his office at Western.  No way.  Put that one off a few more days.

The Hero’s Choice

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity, and what a critical component they are when you want to change your life for success.  In my last blog, we started the quiz to determine whether you have emotional maturity.  If you missed that blog, please go back and take the first part of the quiz.

Before we start, I want you to think about goals you’ve set over the past few years.  Think about one that was really important to you, but that that you haven’t, yet at least, succeeded in, even though you tried more than once.  This might be going back to school to complete a degree, getting out of credit card debt, consistently spending more time with your kids, losing weight, or decluttering your house to the point that you can keep up with it.  Write the goal down — even if it makes you feel embarrassed or depressed that you’ve written it down so many times before.

Now respond to the following statements regarding that goal.  For each of the following statements, give yourself 3 points if it is almost always true or you strongly agree, 2 points if it is usually true or you agree, 1 point if it’s occasionally true or you might agree or disagree, and 0 points if it is hardly ever true or you disagree.

8.  I’ve set that goal more than once as a New Year’s or birthday resolution, but I’ve never really stuck to it for more than a week or two.

9.  I wasn’t able to complete that goal because my family members, work, financial situation, or responsibilities made it impossible.

10.  When I look at that goal realistically, I see that it would be a major change in my life or behavior, something that I probably should have broken down into smaller steps.

11.  I would never order anyone else to transform his life as dramatically as I expect myself to with this goal.

12.  If I were a different kind of person — smarter, more talented, richer — I would have achieved this goal.

13.  I should have accomplished this goal.  In fact, I should have never needed to make it a goal.  If I was what I should be, I would have accomplished it automatically instead of having to resolve to do it.

14.  There’s something wrong with me that makes it impossible for me to accomplish this goal.

15.  Every time I start to make progress on this goal, something happens that shuts it down.  Then I don’t get back to it for months or years.

16.  I really couldn’t tell you exactly what it would take in time, money or resources for me to actually achieve this goal.

And now, for the final section of the emotional maturity quiz, take a look at your day to day life, to see how you’re handling the choices you have over each twenty four hours.

17.  I spend most of my days “putting out fires.”

18.  I don’t have time to make to-do lists or list goals — I just have too much to do.

19.  Sometimes I make a list of what I need to do, but I never refer back to it again, and most of it never gets accomplished.

20.  I do everything at the last minute — even things I knew about months beforehand — because I’m too busy to be proactive.

21.  Every minute of my day belongs to other people; I just run around trying to satisfy all of their needs.

22.  I can’t think of anything I do consistently — daily or weekly — to make progress on a non-life-sustaining goal.

23.  I don’t have the opportunity to make choices about how I spend my day.

24.  If other people respected me and my time more, I’d have the ability to change some things in my life.

25.  The people in my life would have a fit if I suddenly started changing how I live; they’d never let me get away with it.

26.  I wish my family members understood how much I want to have/do/be something different.

27.  My financial circumstances make it impossible for me to succeed.

28.  My health makes it impossible for me to succeed.

Add up your score from this blog and the last, and tomorrow we’ll take a look at the results.  The sooner we can shore up your emotional maturity, the sooner you can change your life into the adventure of success and joy.

Live BIG: Are You Emotionally Mature (part 1)?

“We need to talk about how the kids are taking this . . . They’re scared, Hal.”

Hal shook his head.  “If they are, it’s probably because you’re upset and it’s rubbing off on them . . . besides, they’ve had it pretty easy. So things will be tight for a while.  So what?  They’ll get through this, and it might even be good for them.”

“They don’t need you moralizing.”  Kathy stomped a foot.

“And I’m sure you’re going to tell me what they do need.”

She ignored his sarcasm.  “You  . . . you’ve been gone so much with business that they hardly know you,” she said.  “Now that you’re not going to the office, maybe you can make time for them after school and on weekends.  Talk to them.  Listen to them.”

“Anything else, oh wise teacher?”

The Hero’s Choice

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity.  If you want to change your life, this is the single most important quality to get you there – more important than intelligence, talent, financial backing and family support.

Take this quiz to find out whether your emotional immaturity might be impeding your progress toward the success you dream of.  It’s a long quiz, and I’d like you to take the time to think about the questions, so I’ll just give you the first part today.  But keep track of your score so we can look at the total at the end.

For this first part, imagine you found a magic lamp and a genie offered to magically resolve the three biggest problems in your life – the problems that hinder you from reaching your goals and keep you up at night.

What three things would they be?  Maybe you’d choose to have a bigger bank account or a lower reading on the bathroom scale.  Maybe you’d want your critical relatives to move farther away or be struck mute, or you’d ask for some health issue to be resolved for you or your family member.   Maybe you’d ask for some massive internal change, like an upsurge of self-discipline or patience.  Write down the three things you’d pick.  Now respond to the following statements about those three things:

For each of the following statements, give yourself 3 points if it is almost always true or you strongly agree, 2 points if it is usually true or you agree, 1 point if it’s occasionally true or you might agree or disagree, and 0 points if it is hardly ever true or you disagree.

1.  When I look at my three wishes, I know exactly who is to blame for the fact that they haven’t already happened.

2.  All of my wishes are things that I wouldn’t be able to fix without a miracle or a genie’s help.

3.  If I could have those three wishes, my life would be perfect.

4.  I don’t expect to have any of those three wishes happen in my lifetime.

5.  I can’t think of anything I’ve done in the past month that would make any of those wishes come true.

6.  If other people would do what they should, I would have a shot of my wishes coming true.

7.  Even if there were things I could do to make my wishes come true, I’d never be able to do it.

Add up your score and keep it on hand.  In my next blog, we’ll continue the quiz about emotional maturity so you can take ownership of your choices and change your life.

Live BIG: What is the Key to Change Your Life?

“You said ‘move on.’  Do you think you can do that while holding onto the bitterness and resentment you’re now feeling?”

The question caught Hal off guard.  He had every right to be bitter and resentful!  A sharp reply was on his tongue.

But Donald continued.  “I only ask because I held onto my bitterness for a lot of years.  In fact, I’ve handled some of the biggest challenges in my life very poorly, in ways that almost destroyed me.”

Hal looked up.  “What do you mean by poorly?”

“Defending and protecting myself.  My ego, I should say.  Justifying my own actions and blaming people and circumstances . . .  It was after many years of suffering that I finally understood I’d created my own misery by the way I handled these events.”

The Hero’s Choice

It’s the ultimate insult from one teen to another:  “You’re SO immature!”

Are you emotionally immature?  Although we all know adults who are immature, few of us would willingly claim a deficiency of maturity ourselves.  We feel defensive at the very question, or even a niggle of self-doubt.  Sure, you’re an adult with all the trappings.  You keep a house, pay your bills, perhaps care for a family.  But you also have those moments when you’re tired or stressed out when you catch yourself reacting like a child.

This is true for all of us.  You’ve seen this:

• A perfectly sane shopper hits the stores during the holidays, and is suddenly jostling others in line and muttering unpleasant comments about the cashier, just loud enough to be heard.
• An even-tempered accountant discovers the scratch his teen left on the side of his car.  Burdened by rows of numbers and the impending tax deadlines, he finds himself railing at his kid like the car was the important thing.
• A normally reasonable woman gets a diamond on her ring finger and is magically transformed into “Bride-zilla” – an angry, demanding, spoiled . . . well, brat.

Stress, worry, high expectations, exhaustion . . . they can propel any of us into toddler moments, doing the adult equivalent of a kicking, screaming tantrum.  These moments are a good indicator that we need to stop and direct our energy toward calming down and addressing some of these issues, but they don’t necessarily mean that we’re emotionally immature.

But how can you determine whether you’re emotionally mature, and why does it matter?

As far as the first question – are you emotionally mature – we’ll talk about that at length in upcoming blogs, starting with a quiz to highlight your problem areas.

But let me address the second question here.  Simply, successful people are emotionally mature.  Your IQ is important, as is your work ethic, but research shows that emotional maturity is an even greater predictor of success.  Emotionally mature people face the drudgery of baby steps toward life change with consistency and resolve, and disappointment and challenges with courage, wisdom and imagination.  They don’t waste their energy on wishful thinking, living in denial, or comparing their lives to others; they see the job that needs to be done, formulate a strategy, and go after it.  Most importantly, they take responsibility for their lives and circumstances instead of blaming others for their unhappiness or lack of success.

Change your life and live BIG by achieving the powerful tool of emotional maturity.

Live BIG: How Can You Move from Dead-End Discouragement to Success?

He was lost.

Hal drove on tonight, gripped by the same desperation.  The road narrowed, blacktop to dirt, then ended deep in a canyon.  The sun had set, and the canyon was deep in shadow.  He got out of the pickup and watched the patterns of light changing, twilight into moonless night.  The blackest night he could recall.  Devoid of hope.

With a suddenness, something broke inside.  He gasped as the pain of his loss flooded his awareness, and he let out an animal cry of anguish.  It echoed back at him as he sank to his knees in despair.

The Hero’s Choice

As humans, we all hope that our lives will be one of fulfillment, joy and success.  Does that describe your life right now?  Or, like Hal, are you in the midst in of despair, losing hope that you’ll ever change your life?

If you find yourself trying again and again to make a life change with no real success, it’s time to learn how to be a success and live BIG.

First, let’s take a look at the word success.  Are you a success or a failure?  Let’s take a short quiz to find out.  Answer each of the following questions “yes” or “no.”

1. Are you an internationally renowned brain surgeon?
2. Are you the president of the United States?
3. Are you a multi-millionaire?
4. Are all of your relationships positive and affirming in all directions?
5. Have you written a best-selling novel?
6. Have you found the cure for Type I diabetes?
7. Are you a super model?
8. Did you rear your children to adulthood and have them turn out exactly as you’d hoped?
9. Did you pay off all of your household debt, including your house, and accumulate a huge nest egg?
10. Do you spend each of your days exactly as you choose?
11. Have you walked the Appalachian Trail?

Did you answer “yes” to all of these questions?

Let me take a wild guess and say, No.  Since I don’t know of any US presidents who were also super models who cured Type I diabetes, I’m pretty sure no one could answer “yes” to all of them.  Few of us could answer “yes” to three or more.

Does that means that you are a failure?

It all comes down to your definition of success.

Any one of those questions above could be the definition of success for you.

If your definition of success is “getting the kids through college and still having enough money to retire in comfort,” then you could walk the Appalachian Trail and still not be a success.  If you define success as, “being the kind of parent I always wished I’d had and launching my kids into the world with the knowledge and resources they need to build happy, healthy lives,” then you could be a multi-millionaire and still be a failure.

In the book The Hero’s Choice, Hal’s definition of success was completely intertwined with his success in his business.  It’s only later in the story that his definition is broadened to include the his marriage and parenting skills.  If you do what Hal did – bring your definition of success in line with your values – you’ll change your life.

The very words “success” and “failure” strike right at the core for many of us, resonating with some of our deepest fears or aspirations.  But they are meaningless sources of stress until you define your terms.  If you don’t meet some defined objective or goal, that is failure.  You can avoid failing by refusing to create a goal or objective in the first place, but you will also avoid succeeding.  You alone can define the words “success” and “failure” as they apply to you.  If your passion is to teach high school science but your mother wanted you to be a successful stockbroker, then if you are a stockbroker earning six figures, you’ve failed.  The definition of success is deeply personal.

In the upcoming blogs, I’m going to introduce you to the major key to change your life and achieve success — and it’s not what you may think.  But before we go on, I’d like you to give some thought to what exactly success and failure mean for you.  Take a long look inward, noting your passions, your talents and your values.  Is your life where it “should” be?  Are you doing what you were born to do, and doing it well?

Life vs. Life Situation

It’s good to connect up with you and I hope you and your loved ones are doing well.

We live in challenging times. I’m going to be speaking to a group of young people in a couple of weeks and their leaders were telling me that these youth feel considerable stress, anxiety and a foreboding about the future. Some of them are depressed. Most of them know school friends who are talking about taking their own lives. Some have friends who have.
Hearing this saddens me. I feel for these young people, many of whom feel uncertain and confused. And it’s not just young people, these days. Certainly lots of adults are living with a vague sense of dread about circumstances that can seem pretty overwhelming and beyond their ability to control or influence.

These thoughts bring up a distinction to me–life vs. life situation. My life situation has to do with what is going on “out there”–events, day-to-day occurrences, global circumstances that affect us all (economy, state of the world) and personal circumstances that affect just me and perhaps my loved ones.

My life, on the other hand, is much more than my life situation. It begins with the very fact of life. Here I am–an incredibly complex living and breathing being which not only miraculously sustains life but interprets, makes sense, and chooses how to respond to life (or my life situation). This “being” (life) is so much more and bigger than my life situation.

That’s what I want to say to these young people. Your life is not your life situation. You can tell me all about your life situation–what’s going on, the “good” and the “bad,” the “facts” and circumstances. And I’d want to listen. I love to hear people’s stories. And most people find something validating about telling their stories.

But then I’d come back to my main theme. What is most important about your life is not what’s going on, in other words, all the facts and circumstances. Far more important and what really defines “you” and the quality of your life is your incredible ability to see what’s going on and make choices about what things mean and how you’ll act on them.
It’s true that lots of youth, and their parents, face some tough realities right now. However, it is also true that what things mean is not cast in stone. I get to decide. You get to decide.
I recently listened to a 31 year-old man by the name of Luke Jones tell his personal story. On March 2, 1980, at 18 months of age, he fell head first into a washing machine of scalding water. By the time Luke’s mother pulled him out he was not breathing and covered over 60% of his body with 3rd degree burns.

His mother immediately began resuscitation and had someone call 911. Little Luke was rushed to the hospital in a coma. His brain had swelled so badly that the doctors didn’t think he’d last through the night. But he fooled them. Although a long and difficult journey and close to death on several occasions, Luke survived.

However, many effects of the accident permanently altered the course of Luke’s life. For example, the scarring was permanent. His parents put him in a “spiderman” type outfit (with eye, nose, mouth and ear holes) to help his skin heal and, no doubt, to protect other people from the shock of seeing him.

When four years old he was in a Sunday School class for children. A new girl came into the class and, upon seeing Luke, started to cry. At first, the teacher could not get her to stop crying. the teacher eventually consoled her by holding her in her lap. But then each time the girl would look up and see Luke, she’d start crying all over again.

At some point, as the girl was crying, Luke got up from his chair and started backing towards the door of the classroom. Can you imagine what he must have been feeling at that moment– scared, rejected, inadequate? After several steps he could back up no further. What next? Would he open the door and run? Find a place to hide? Seek out his parents?
Instead, he started singing a children’s song entitled, “I am a Child of God.” At first, Luke sang alone. Then a few more children joined in and before long every child, including the frightened newcomer and an astonished teacher, were singing the words to this song. Fear yielded to smiles and love; misperception to truth and goodwill.

I’ve thought about the change that happened inside of Luke as he started to sing. Certainly, he couldn’t conceptualize it in his four-year-old mind, but singing the words of that song made a statement. “I know who I am. My life matters. I am worthy of your love.”

Far more important than Luke’s appearance is his ability to decide. Luke is one of the fortunate souls who have learned this lesson.

In fact, Luke’s had lots of opportunities in adulthood to receive reconstructive surgery to repair his ears, make them look normal. He’s refused, telling his parents, “This is who I am,” saying, in essence, “Who I am is okay. I don’t need to be different to be lovable or have a happy and successful life.”

Reality is what is, the facts and circumstances of my life, my life situation. But reality doesn’t define “me,” the essence of my life, or who I am. Responsibility is my ability to make choices about reality–what it means; how I’ll step up to it. And how I use this responsibility determines my results, my destiny, the richness, and meaning of my life.

So that’s what I want to say to these young people. Yup, there are some tough realities out there. I won’t minimize that. And it’s sometimes tempting to be overwhelmed by those realities.

But what’s bigger, those realities or your ability to choose? And then I’ll go on and teach them some strategies (challenging negative thinking, leveraging motivation, putting yourself in a positive and resourceful mental state) for stepping up to life, for making good, positive, and strengthening choices. Because, in truth, there is nothing stronger and more resilient than the human spirit. Somewhere inside these youth know that. I just want them to know that they know it.

And, by the way, Luke Jones continues to express himself today through song. (I wonder if it goes back to that moment as a four year old boy.) In fact, you can learn about his story and even order his music CD by visiting his website.

Respectfully,

Roger K. Allen

Personal Development: Do You Know Your Three “R’s”?

We’ve been talking a great deal in recent blogs about how to distinguish between reality and your perceptions. You do, we learned, have control over how you feel about a situation. Why is this so important to understand?

Because your flawed or skewed perceptions of reality can actually alter reality. Let me explain: Read more

Personal Development: What color are your glasses?

Back when, if someone refused to look at the world realistically, they were said to “look at the world through rose-colored glasses.”  If you read my last blog, then you know how important your perception of reality is to your personal development. Let me give you an example of how this works. Read more

Personal Development: What’s Really Going On?

“ I’ll tell you what I want,” she shouted back. “I want a partner. A friend. A husband who cares about his family as much as he cares about himself.”
Read more

Is There Something Positive Inside of You?

After a long week of classes, Eliza Cameron, 19, Loren Niurka Mora, 20, and Caitlin Petro, 20, were ready to unwind. They settled on the shores of Sarasota Bay to take in the sights, chatting and idly watching a fisherman in waders, casting his rod. When the man dropped out of sight , it took them a second to realize that he was in trouble. Read more

Life Purpose: What Is Your Destiny?

Anything is possible. Anything. You can see it in the faces of the musicians, old and young. Hear it in the ringing voices, feel it pulsing through your veins in time with the rhythm. Read more

Marriage Help: Is Your Marriage The “Happily Ever After” You Dreamed Of?

A short time later, he heard Kathy’s SUV pull into the garage.  He was surprised she didn’t immediately burst into the shop and light into him for not accepting Sam’s offer. Read more

Personal Development: Why Aren’t You Making The Progress You Want?

I went to a cook-out at a friend’s house.  As we sat watching the sun set, I noticed a contraption hanging from the corner of his house.  “It’s a mosquito trap,” he explained.

I’m not going to try to explain how it worked, but it was clever – and effective.  The little rascals flew into the jar, and they didn’t fly out again. Read more

To Give is to Receive

“He who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet Read more

Pain and Stress Reduction: How Will You Handle Hardship?

Little Maria Monique came down with a severe lung infection.  It might have been treatable in the US, but in her home of Indonesia, the doctors weren’t able to treat her.  Her mother, Tjahja, sold everything she owned and flew with her daughter to Singapore for more advanced medical care.  Doctors there were more equipped to deal with the infection.  And when Tjahja ran out of money, doctors continued in the battle to save her life.  Maria Monique, her doctors and her mother fought hard, but in 2006, at the age of seven, the little girl passed away.   Her mother was heartbroken. Read more

Are You Cheating Yourself Out of Your Abundance and Prosperity?

After over two years of unemployment, Jim Moret finally had a job.  A good job – he’d been hired as the chief correspondent for the television show, inside Edition.  He should have been happy . . . but his upside-down mortgage and mountain of debt had him desperate and scared.  He writes, “ . . . the real prospect of losing everything you have worked for your entire life to achieve is devastating and utterly demoralizing.” Read more

The Hardest Thing I’ll Ever Do

When I first wrote my book, The Hero’s Choice, I wanted it to become a best-seller. I don’t mean that I expected it to sell millions of copies, but certainly tens of thousands, if not a few hundred thousand copies in the first few years. I don’t think I’m all that different from most authors who want their work to do well. Read more

The Stories We Tell

One of my happiest memories from my childhood was climbing up onto the lap of a parent or grandparent and reading a story. Reading childhood stories was a way I bonded with my loved ones. It was entertaining. And it was a way I learned valuable lessons of life. Read more

The Hero Principle

Before people read my book they ask about the title—The Hero’s Choice: Living from the Inside Out. “What do you mean by the hero’s choice? What are you talking about when you talk about a hero?” That is a good question. So, I decided to write a blog about “The Hero Principle.” Read more

Reframing A Negative Belief

In a past article, “Key Moments: Seizing the Opportunity in Life’s Difficulties” I defined key moments as a situation or event which is upsetting, presents a challenge and demands a response. How we handle our key moments determines, to a great extent, our happiness and success in life. Read more

Reality, Responsibility, Results

Like most people, I love music and frequently find myself humming a tune over and over in the back of my mind. I’ve learned to pay attention to the words of these songs and find that they have significance to what is going on in my life at the moment. Rarely is the entire song relevant; just a line or two that my subconscious mind is telling me to pay attention to—perhaps a lesson I need to learn. Read more

Key Moment: An Example

In my last blog I presented the idea of a key moment. Now I’d like to bring the concept alive with an example from the workplace.

Remember the definition. A key moment is a situation or event that presents a challenge and demands a response. How we respond to our key moments determines, to a large extent, our effectiveness in dealing with life. Read more

Key Moments: Seizing The Opportunity In Life’s Dificulties

We don’t need to look far to find adversity. Most lives are characterized by some degree of difficulty and struggling, whether minor (a flat tire on the way to work) or major (the death of a loved one). We begrudge our adversities, wishing they would go away. Yet they don’t. Life just keeps happening, one event after another, in a seeming unending series of challenges.

I call such events Key Moments—situations or events that are upsetting, present a challenge, and demand a response. During such experiences we make choices, usually unconsciously, about how we’ll respond. And the truth is that how we respond to our key moments determines, in large measure, the quality of our lives, our happiness, and personal effectiveness. People who respond positively to their key moments grow in self confidence and the assurance that they can influence life and control their own destinies. Those who respond negatively gradually lose confidence in themselves as they give up control of their lives to external influences.

The following diagram sheds some light on what happens during a key moment.

As you can see, there’s a cause and effect relationship between the various elements of a key moment. Usually, however, the experience happens so quickly that we are only vaguely aware of the process as it unfolds. In order to “work through” our key moments and learn to respond in positive rather than negative ways, it is necessary to slow the process down and understand what is happening.

A triggering event is the incident or situation which sets up the cycle: your son knocks over a glass of milk at breakfast; you’ve been waiting for a friend for over 30 minutes; your teenager brings home a bad report card; you learn that your company is about to go through downsizing which will probably affect your job. Such events, whether minor or severe, occur daily. And they demand a response. Even ignoring them represents an unconscious attempt to deal with them.

Meaning

Meaning is the particular “spin” we give to events and circumstances. It can be thought of as a cognitive process of seeking to make sense out of what is happening and includes our thoughts, interpretations, judgments, or conclusions related to an incident.

It’s easy to assume that our emotions, during a key moment, are caused by events since they occur so spontaneously following them. In reality, however, it is not the event but rather the meaning that we give the event that determines how we feel and ultimately the choices we make. Feeling hurt was not caused by her boss’s behavior but rather the meaning she gave his behavior.

A truth is that events are just events. They have no inherent meaning. We give them meaning by interpreting them through the filter of our beliefs. Each person, observing the same event may arrive at very different conclusions. Imagine two people standing on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. One may conclude that this view is exciting and even inspirational. The other may conclude that it is frightening and overwhelming. Although the event is the same, the meanings are very different.

By examining and challenging the meaning we give to events and circumstances, we take back our power and find new options for responding to triggering events. This isn’t easy to do. We unconsciously equate the meaning we give events with the “truth.” We assume that the way we see things is the way they are. As a matter of fact, the mind functions to be “right” about whatever it happens to believe.

A student believes he is stupid. A young girl thinks she is ugly and that no guy would ever want to go out with her. A bulimic woman may be very thin and yet remains convinced she is fat. An employee believes that you just can’t trust management. A manager believes that employees really don’t care. And on and on.

Such beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. We see the world not as it is, but in a way that reinforces what we already believe. And so we become trapped, not by the events and circumstances of life, but rather by our meaning and beliefs about those events.

Feelings

Feelings are what we experience inside of our bodies following a triggering event. Whereas meaning is mental and occurs in the mind, feelings are somatic and occur in our bodies. There are two kinds of feelings:

Physical sensations: shortness of breath, nausea, muscle tension, rapid heart beat, tight jaw, dry mouth, sweaty palms, weak knees, etc.

Emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, helplessness, fear, inadequacy, anxiety, disappointment, depression, etc.

Our negative feelings, following a triggering event, can be a cue that something is out of balance and needs a response. We can use our feelings to pay attention to what is happening and thereby come up with a thoughtful rather than knee-jerk response.

If unaware or unable to thoughtfully examine and understand our negative feelings, we act them out in destructive ways. They influence our physical health, or may lead to self destructive behaviors such as poor job performance, addictions, estrangement from family and friends, etc.

Actions

Actions inevitably follow the meaning and feelings we associate with our triggering events. These actions can be weakening and self destructive or positive and strengthening. Since Key Moments can be uncomfortable and even painful experiences, our natural tendency is to dramatize or act them out in the following negative ways:

Fight (attack others): lecture, moralize, argue, find fault, put down, control, blame, slam, throw, hit, assault, sarcasm, etc.

Run (withdraw): pout, silent treatment, apologize, placate, martyrdom, take the blame, illness, sleep, etc.

Ignore (deny): suppress, apathy, intellectualization, distract, humor, escapism (work, drugs, sex, exercise), etc.

Consequences:

Consequences invariably follow from our actions and the way we handle our key moments. The consequences may be positive or negative depending on our responses. When we handle our key moments poorly, the consequences of our actions set up new triggering events; ironically, the same events that we wanted to avoid in the first place. We create the very conditions in our lives that we complain about and blame on others.

Seeing the Choices in our Key Moments

There are many forms of success in life. Yet, perhaps none results in greater personal satisfaction than learning to respond positively to our triggering events. As we do so, we experience less conflict and turmoil and greater peace and well-being. However, this process is not easy. Our internal reactions are often deeply ingrained, unconscious and automatic and therefore difficult to change. But it is possible. It requires awareness, commitment and persistent practice.

The process begins with self reflection and honesty. “Know the truth and the truth will set you free.” We are victims of whatever we are unaware of about ourselves. I can do nothing about the smudge on my face as long as I don’t know or refuse to admit it is there. Likewise, I cannot “choose” how I’ll respond to my triggering events as long as I am unaware of my internal experience, actions, and their consequences.

Therefore, it’s helpful to learn to explore and understand our key moments. What was the event that triggered my response? What about that event triggered my response? What meaning did I associate with the event? What emotions and physical sensations were triggered? What actions did I take and what were the consequences?

Key moments are, by definition, painful. So exploring them may sometimes be painful. But, as we face them with a desire to understand, learn and grow from them, they gradually dissipate and lose their power.

Awareness and exploration, however, are not enough. We must also take responsibility for ourselves during our key moments. How? By recognizing that the cause of our pain is not just the event but also the choices (usually unconscious) we make following the event.

A triggering event is a reality which has already occurred. We have no choice about that (although we did play a part if creating the circumstances in which the event occurred). However, we do make choices about our actions, our feelings and/or the meaning we attribute to those events. It is not what circumstances, events and other people do to use that hurts us most, but rather what we do to ourselves through the unconscious choices we make regarding the meaning we give those events, how we feel about them and the actions we take in relation to them. By being aware and willing to take responsibility for our reactions during a key moment, we can interrupt negative patterns and make new choices that that allow us to become the makers of our own destinies.

It is not easy to do so. In fact, I believe it is often quite heroic to make positive and strengthening choices in the face of key moments. There are lots of techniques for doing this, which I’ll talk about in upcoming articles.

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