Live BIG: How to Become Emotionally Mature

Hal hated the man, everything about him, from his knowing sneer to his rolling swagger.

He wished fervently he could get away and considered getting up and walking out without a word to either of them.  But then he garnered his faculties and decided to accept this reality.  He would choose how to respond, and his choice would be to act cordial and cooperative.  He felt a surge of strength as he realized that handling himself in a dignified manner with both these men would be a bigger personal victory than if he met with Keith alone. . . .

The Hero’s Choice

Do you want to change your life?  The single tool that you need, more critical than your intelligence, background or education, is emotional maturity.  In the last few blogs, we’ve been talking about exactly what emotional maturity looks like.

When your inner grown-up is running the show, you will be more self-aware.  You’ll recognize your feelings and manage them in a responsible way.  You’ll handle and build positive relationships and move yourself steadily toward your definition of success.  In other words, you will excel at life.

How can you be emotional mature?

1.  Be present.  Be in the moment.  You’ve heard it a thousand times, but it’s no less true for the repeating of it — this minute is the only one you have.  You can’t rewrite one minute of the past.  You can’t construct one minute of the future, except by taking hold of this minute you have right now.  You’re reading this blog right now.  What will you do with the next?  Focus on it when you’re in it.  And now the next?  Focus on it when you’re in it.   Hattie allowed herself to be defined by her past, her lack of education, her fear of rejection and change.  Each time she considers taking ownership of her present, her mind bounces back to those thing.  If she chooses to be present, she will instantly empower herself.  She could decide what she wants her remaining twenty or so years to consist of, and then set off to get it.

2.  Embrace reality.  Refusing to think about uncomfortable things gives those very things incredible power over your life.  Mona refuses to think about the reality of her financial situation and so continues to make it worse with each swipe of her card.  If you are worried about your finances, sit down and take stock of exactly where you are — how much you owe, for example, and exactly how you will pay it off.  Fun?  No.  Wildly uncomfortable?  Words can’t express it!  But by taking ownership of the reality, you’ve now equipped yourself to change it.

3.  Exercise responsibility.  You have choices.  You always have choices.  Refusing to admit that is like using a hard steel industrial padlock to secure yourself into a flimsy cardboard box.  There are numerous behaviors that Hattie could have changed in our example.  You also have numerous choices, but if you’re a “Bratty Hatty” they might be invisible.  Challenge your assumptions.

4.  Clarify your vision.  We talked about this a little bit in my blog about the definition of success.  Hattie wanders through her life, ruled by impulse and circumstance.  What does she want?  From our story, you’d have no idea of what she really wants out of her life, because she has no idea.  What do you want?  Define it, so you can get it.

5.  Act from Integrity.  No excuses.  No whining.  No hypocrisy.   Hattie pretends that she wants to be productive, but there’s no evidence of that in her actions . . . and the discrepancy doesn’t trouble her.  Again, challenge your assumptions.

By now, you’ve probably built a strong mental image of emotional maturity.  Maybe you’ve spotted some areas in your life that you want to change.  In my next blog, I’ll talk about another factor in your emotional maturity, called The Serenity Model.

Live Big: Are You Ready to Put the Grown-up In Charge?

Shamefully, Hal watched his wife and daughter turn their backs on him and walk inside.  Never had he felt so cut off.  He wanted, desperately, to hide, disappear, to revoke his own birth.  He wished for the earth to swallow him whole so he would never again face another human being.  Overwhelmed by what he had done, he stood frozen as waves of grief and shame pulsed up from deep within him. . .

He stared into the darkness.  His life was spinning out of control . . . and everything he did was making it worse.

The Hero’s Choice

Yesterday we met two sisters, Hattie and Millie, who fall on very different places on the spectrum of Emotional Maturity.  Today I want to introduce you to the specific qualities that make up Emotional Maturity (or the lack of it).  I’ll refer back to Hattie and Millie as I go through these, but you’ll likely see some reflections of your own life as well.

Let’s start with the traits associated with Emotional Immaturity.  You saw these with Hattie.  We can call these qualities part of your lesser self, or more colorfully, your Inner Brat!

Your Inner Brat:

Is reactive to life.  Hattie had many pretty wishes, but if you look at her actual actions, you’ll see that she was was like a pebble on the shore, being washed in different directions instead of choosing where to go.

Acts out of emotion. Hattie believes that seeing her father is important, but her actual action is dictated by her emotion (sadness) instead of her brain or values.

“Comes from” fear and scarcity. She would like to work at the craft store, and the income would help solve her debt problem, but she makes her decision based on her fear of rejection.

is motivated by “have to” and “ought to.” Because she has no apparent goals or direction of her own, her days are spent reactively.

Focuses on “getting.” What does Hattie want to be?  What does she want to do?  We don’t know, because when we were traveling in her mind, we saw only objects that she wanted, as if those objects were solutions.

Is dominated by the desire for security and self-protection. This takes us back to the job at the craft store.  Hattie is unwilling to take the risk to make a life change.

Avoids failure, rejection, discomfort and being wrong. This is reflected throughout our time with Hattie.

Allows separation and alienation from others. Remember the clerk in the mini-mart?  How long would it take for Hattie to walk into that store and discover whether the clerk is still the same person she was in high school (and who among us hasn’t changed since high school?)

Lives in the past or the future.  Hattie may wish that she’d gotten a better education, but if you’ll notice, her sister isn’t wasting her time wishing.

As you read through this list of qualities, some may have resonated with you more than others.  You may have allowed some of these to dictate your behaviors recently, even today.  Others may be patterns you fall into when you are tired or stressed.  When you allow your inner brat to make your day-to-day choices, you cripple your ability to succeed.  Your finances, your relationships and your self esteem all suffer.

Now we’ll take a look at the attributes of Emotional Maturity, as we saw in Millie.  I guess we could refer to this collection of attributes as your Inner Grown-up.

When your Inner Grown-up is running your life, you’ll be:

Proactive about life. If something doesn’t satisfy you, you’ll develop a strategy to change it — and then you’ll follow through.

Inclined to Act ON your emotions instead of OUT of them.  Millie was as sad as Hattie over their father’s decline.  She valued her emotion enough to “power-up” with a leisurely lunch (some “me” time) and to keep her trip to the college as something to look forward after the visit.

Governed by your vision or purpose.  What is Millie’s vision for her life?  Our little story never goes into the details, but her actions alone tell us that she has a purpose.   Do yours?

“Coming from” love and abundance.  Do you hesitate before reaching out?  Are you afraid there aren’t enough resources for you and others?  Do you compare yourself or your life to others?

Motivated by “choose to” and “want to.” Know your own purpose and values for your life, and live accordingly, instead of spending precious hours trying to satisfy others.  Make intentional decisions to change your life.

Giving and other-centered.  Although Millie has plenty to do and problems of her own, she instinctively lives by the old Hindu Proverb, “Help they brother’s boat across, Lo! Thine own has reached the shore.”

Willing to step-outside your comfort zone and willing to seek growth, take risks and take yourself to the limit of your abilities. In the last twenty four hours, have you taken a risk or stepped outside of your comfort zone?  How about in the last week, or month?  Life change is never comfortable.  If you find that you’re expending energy to stay in your rut instead of climb out of it, it’s time to make a change.

Inclined to seek unity and goodwill with others.  Life is too short to live in discord.  More important, as humans, we are made to live in families and communities and to work together toward common goals.  Treat your relationships as sacred and you’ll discover a critical tool to change your life.

Live in the present, making use of the moments you have.  So when should you begin to make these changes?

Now.

You only have now, my friend.  So let’s get started. . .

Live Big: Are You A Bratty Hattie?

In an old house on the hill, live two sisters.  Only a year apart, they are very alike in appearance and life stories.  In their sixty-plus years, neither has ever married or gone more than fifty miles from her home.  But here is where the similarity ends.  Just look at how they conduct themselves on an average errand day.

The elder sister, Millie, always starts out bright and early on her errand day, hat perched neatly on her head and neatly penned list in her white-gloved hand.  She settles in her car, but before she starts off, she glances about her, checking her mental checklist:  Purse?  Wallet in purse?  Gas in tank?  Cell phone?  (Come on . . . Just because she wears gloves and a hat doesn’t mean she doesn’t carry a cell phone).

Once satisfied, she moves through her errands in a logical orders, taking into account both geographical considerations and logical considerations (the grocery store has to be last or the ice cream will melt).

Because she is organized, she has plenty of time to chat with the elderly Mrs. Dundridge to hear about her goiter for the third time and to take young Michael Caslow and his bike to the repair shop.  She treats herself to lunch — always trying a new restaurant or at least a new item on the menu — before facing the most difficult task of all.  She visits her father at the nursing home.  He has shrunken to an alarming emaciated state and no longer recognizes her, but she hopes some part of him feels the love she brings.

When she’s done, she usually stops by the community college to either browse the schedule or pick up a textbook for the next course she wants to take.  She’s in the middle of associates degree in marketing, and thinks she might take a part-time job when she’s done.  Her main goal is to continue learning and growing.

Millie’s sister Hattie has one errand or another to run nearly every day, because she’s constantly realizing too late that she’s out of ketchup in the middle of making sloppy joes or unable to find the paper punch she needs for scrapbooking in the cave of supplies that is her craft room.

She loves shopping, although she has to rotate credit cards, but she never goes into the mini-mart because the clerk used to fun of her in high school.  She think about visiting her father, but it makes her feel so awful that she usually changes her mind.  It’s been four months, in fact, since she forced her little car up the winding road to the hospital.

Sometimes she thinks about changing her life — getting a job to help pay down her credit cards.  There’s a “help wanted” notice on the craft store window.  She’d be perfect for the job, she thinks, but then rejects the idea.  Who would want to hire her?  She doesn’t have a degree or any special skills, and ,besides, she’s too old.  She should have gotten her degree when she was young and had the chance.

But it’s too late now.  Too bad.   If she worked at the craft store, she’d get a discount.  If she could just afford that amazing new scrapbooking file, she’d be able to organize her supplies.  Actually, she’d probably need two of the files.  Okay . . . six.  But then she could get it all organized.  But she couldn’t afford them.  Maybe in a few years, something nice would happen — a windfall or surprise — and everything would get better.

Since we’ve been talking about how emotional maturity can change your life, you’ve probably guessed that Hattie and Millie represent two ends of the emotional maturity spectrum.  I’m going to talk more about the specific qualities of emotional maturity in my next blog, but for today, let’s look at how you did on the Emotional Maturity Quiz in the last two blogs.  Total up your score if you haven’t yet and check your results.

If your score was:

0 – 10    You have attained near-perfect emotional maturity.  Or, more likely, you guessed the ideal answer and selected it.  Consider going through the questions again with an attitude of self-examination and willingness to challenge your assumptions.

11 – 30   You’re very high on the Emotional Maturity spectrum, again assuming that you responded with your feelings instead of guessing the ideal answers.  You’ve allowed your experiences to give you wisdom and you take responsibility for your life.

31 – 50    You fall somewhere in the adolescent range when it comes to Emotional Maturity.  Don’t be discouraged by this; the fact that you’re willing to reach for the power to change your life by answering honestly is a shining sign of your potential!

51 – 84  You’re in serious Hattie territory here — governed by habit, fear and blame.  Again, take heart from the fact that you’ve allowed the quiz to expose this self-limiting world view.  It takes courage to shine the light on our weaknesses.  That fact that you’ve displayed that kind of courage shows that you’re willing to go all the way to change your life!

Are you ready to unleash the power for life change that comes from attaining Emotional Maturity?  You’re going to be amazed by the forward-surge this gives you toward your bright future.  We’ll get started in my next blog.

Live BIG: Are You Emotionally Mature (part 2)?

The phone rang.  Hal started to pick it up, but pulled back and looked at the caller ID.  His parents. Nope, not ready to deal with them yet.  Breakfast tomorrow with his father would be soon enough.  For a moment, he wished Kathy would call them and blurt out the news.  Of course, she wouldn’t.  Besides, he wanted to make sure his father realized how unexpected and devastating the board meeting had been.

But that was tomorrow.  What would he do today?  He needed to clean out his office at Western.  No way.  Put that one off a few more days.

The Hero’s Choice

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity, and what a critical component they are when you want to change your life for success.  In my last blog, we started the quiz to determine whether you have emotional maturity.  If you missed that blog, please go back and take the first part of the quiz.

Before we start, I want you to think about goals you’ve set over the past few years.  Think about one that was really important to you, but that that you haven’t, yet at least, succeeded in, even though you tried more than once.  This might be going back to school to complete a degree, getting out of credit card debt, consistently spending more time with your kids, losing weight, or decluttering your house to the point that you can keep up with it.  Write the goal down — even if it makes you feel embarrassed or depressed that you’ve written it down so many times before.

Now respond to the following statements regarding that goal.  For each of the following statements, give yourself 3 points if it is almost always true or you strongly agree, 2 points if it is usually true or you agree, 1 point if it’s occasionally true or you might agree or disagree, and 0 points if it is hardly ever true or you disagree.

8.  I’ve set that goal more than once as a New Year’s or birthday resolution, but I’ve never really stuck to it for more than a week or two.

9.  I wasn’t able to complete that goal because my family members, work, financial situation, or responsibilities made it impossible.

10.  When I look at that goal realistically, I see that it would be a major change in my life or behavior, something that I probably should have broken down into smaller steps.

11.  I would never order anyone else to transform his life as dramatically as I expect myself to with this goal.

12.  If I were a different kind of person — smarter, more talented, richer — I would have achieved this goal.

13.  I should have accomplished this goal.  In fact, I should have never needed to make it a goal.  If I was what I should be, I would have accomplished it automatically instead of having to resolve to do it.

14.  There’s something wrong with me that makes it impossible for me to accomplish this goal.

15.  Every time I start to make progress on this goal, something happens that shuts it down.  Then I don’t get back to it for months or years.

16.  I really couldn’t tell you exactly what it would take in time, money or resources for me to actually achieve this goal.

And now, for the final section of the emotional maturity quiz, take a look at your day to day life, to see how you’re handling the choices you have over each twenty four hours.

17.  I spend most of my days “putting out fires.”

18.  I don’t have time to make to-do lists or list goals — I just have too much to do.

19.  Sometimes I make a list of what I need to do, but I never refer back to it again, and most of it never gets accomplished.

20.  I do everything at the last minute — even things I knew about months beforehand — because I’m too busy to be proactive.

21.  Every minute of my day belongs to other people; I just run around trying to satisfy all of their needs.

22.  I can’t think of anything I do consistently — daily or weekly — to make progress on a non-life-sustaining goal.

23.  I don’t have the opportunity to make choices about how I spend my day.

24.  If other people respected me and my time more, I’d have the ability to change some things in my life.

25.  The people in my life would have a fit if I suddenly started changing how I live; they’d never let me get away with it.

26.  I wish my family members understood how much I want to have/do/be something different.

27.  My financial circumstances make it impossible for me to succeed.

28.  My health makes it impossible for me to succeed.

Add up your score from this blog and the last, and tomorrow we’ll take a look at the results.  The sooner we can shore up your emotional maturity, the sooner you can change your life into the adventure of success and joy.

Live BIG: Are You Emotionally Mature (part 1)?

“We need to talk about how the kids are taking this . . . They’re scared, Hal.”

Hal shook his head.  “If they are, it’s probably because you’re upset and it’s rubbing off on them . . . besides, they’ve had it pretty easy. So things will be tight for a while.  So what?  They’ll get through this, and it might even be good for them.”

“They don’t need you moralizing.”  Kathy stomped a foot.

“And I’m sure you’re going to tell me what they do need.”

She ignored his sarcasm.  “You  . . . you’ve been gone so much with business that they hardly know you,” she said.  “Now that you’re not going to the office, maybe you can make time for them after school and on weekends.  Talk to them.  Listen to them.”

“Anything else, oh wise teacher?”

The Hero’s Choice

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity.  If you want to change your life, this is the single most important quality to get you there – more important than intelligence, talent, financial backing and family support.

Take this quiz to find out whether your emotional immaturity might be impeding your progress toward the success you dream of.  It’s a long quiz, and I’d like you to take the time to think about the questions, so I’ll just give you the first part today.  But keep track of your score so we can look at the total at the end.

For this first part, imagine you found a magic lamp and a genie offered to magically resolve the three biggest problems in your life – the problems that hinder you from reaching your goals and keep you up at night.

What three things would they be?  Maybe you’d choose to have a bigger bank account or a lower reading on the bathroom scale.  Maybe you’d want your critical relatives to move farther away or be struck mute, or you’d ask for some health issue to be resolved for you or your family member.   Maybe you’d ask for some massive internal change, like an upsurge of self-discipline or patience.  Write down the three things you’d pick.  Now respond to the following statements about those three things:

For each of the following statements, give yourself 3 points if it is almost always true or you strongly agree, 2 points if it is usually true or you agree, 1 point if it’s occasionally true or you might agree or disagree, and 0 points if it is hardly ever true or you disagree.

1.  When I look at my three wishes, I know exactly who is to blame for the fact that they haven’t already happened.

2.  All of my wishes are things that I wouldn’t be able to fix without a miracle or a genie’s help.

3.  If I could have those three wishes, my life would be perfect.

4.  I don’t expect to have any of those three wishes happen in my lifetime.

5.  I can’t think of anything I’ve done in the past month that would make any of those wishes come true.

6.  If other people would do what they should, I would have a shot of my wishes coming true.

7.  Even if there were things I could do to make my wishes come true, I’d never be able to do it.

Add up your score and keep it on hand.  In my next blog, we’ll continue the quiz about emotional maturity so you can take ownership of your choices and change your life.

Live BIG: What is the Key to Change Your Life?

“You said ‘move on.’  Do you think you can do that while holding onto the bitterness and resentment you’re now feeling?”

The question caught Hal off guard.  He had every right to be bitter and resentful!  A sharp reply was on his tongue.

But Donald continued.  “I only ask because I held onto my bitterness for a lot of years.  In fact, I’ve handled some of the biggest challenges in my life very poorly, in ways that almost destroyed me.”

Hal looked up.  “What do you mean by poorly?”

“Defending and protecting myself.  My ego, I should say.  Justifying my own actions and blaming people and circumstances . . .  It was after many years of suffering that I finally understood I’d created my own misery by the way I handled these events.”

The Hero’s Choice

It’s the ultimate insult from one teen to another:  “You’re SO immature!”

Are you emotionally immature?  Although we all know adults who are immature, few of us would willingly claim a deficiency of maturity ourselves.  We feel defensive at the very question, or even a niggle of self-doubt.  Sure, you’re an adult with all the trappings.  You keep a house, pay your bills, perhaps care for a family.  But you also have those moments when you’re tired or stressed out when you catch yourself reacting like a child.

This is true for all of us.  You’ve seen this:

• A perfectly sane shopper hits the stores during the holidays, and is suddenly jostling others in line and muttering unpleasant comments about the cashier, just loud enough to be heard.
• An even-tempered accountant discovers the scratch his teen left on the side of his car.  Burdened by rows of numbers and the impending tax deadlines, he finds himself railing at his kid like the car was the important thing.
• A normally reasonable woman gets a diamond on her ring finger and is magically transformed into “Bride-zilla” – an angry, demanding, spoiled . . . well, brat.

Stress, worry, high expectations, exhaustion . . . they can propel any of us into toddler moments, doing the adult equivalent of a kicking, screaming tantrum.  These moments are a good indicator that we need to stop and direct our energy toward calming down and addressing some of these issues, but they don’t necessarily mean that we’re emotionally immature.

But how can you determine whether you’re emotionally mature, and why does it matter?

As far as the first question – are you emotionally mature – we’ll talk about that at length in upcoming blogs, starting with a quiz to highlight your problem areas.

But let me address the second question here.  Simply, successful people are emotionally mature.  Your IQ is important, as is your work ethic, but research shows that emotional maturity is an even greater predictor of success.  Emotionally mature people face the drudgery of baby steps toward life change with consistency and resolve, and disappointment and challenges with courage, wisdom and imagination.  They don’t waste their energy on wishful thinking, living in denial, or comparing their lives to others; they see the job that needs to be done, formulate a strategy, and go after it.  Most importantly, they take responsibility for their lives and circumstances instead of blaming others for their unhappiness or lack of success.

Change your life and live BIG by achieving the powerful tool of emotional maturity.

Live BIG: How Can You Move from Dead-End Discouragement to Success?

He was lost.

Hal drove on tonight, gripped by the same desperation.  The road narrowed, blacktop to dirt, then ended deep in a canyon.  The sun had set, and the canyon was deep in shadow.  He got out of the pickup and watched the patterns of light changing, twilight into moonless night.  The blackest night he could recall.  Devoid of hope.

With a suddenness, something broke inside.  He gasped as the pain of his loss flooded his awareness, and he let out an animal cry of anguish.  It echoed back at him as he sank to his knees in despair.

The Hero’s Choice

As humans, we all hope that our lives will be one of fulfillment, joy and success.  Does that describe your life right now?  Or, like Hal, are you in the midst in of despair, losing hope that you’ll ever change your life?

If you find yourself trying again and again to make a life change with no real success, it’s time to learn how to be a success and live BIG.

First, let’s take a look at the word success.  Are you a success or a failure?  Let’s take a short quiz to find out.  Answer each of the following questions “yes” or “no.”

1. Are you an internationally renowned brain surgeon?
2. Are you the president of the United States?
3. Are you a multi-millionaire?
4. Are all of your relationships positive and affirming in all directions?
5. Have you written a best-selling novel?
6. Have you found the cure for Type I diabetes?
7. Are you a super model?
8. Did you rear your children to adulthood and have them turn out exactly as you’d hoped?
9. Did you pay off all of your household debt, including your house, and accumulate a huge nest egg?
10. Do you spend each of your days exactly as you choose?
11. Have you walked the Appalachian Trail?

Did you answer “yes” to all of these questions?

Let me take a wild guess and say, No.  Since I don’t know of any US presidents who were also super models who cured Type I diabetes, I’m pretty sure no one could answer “yes” to all of them.  Few of us could answer “yes” to three or more.

Does that means that you are a failure?

It all comes down to your definition of success.

Any one of those questions above could be the definition of success for you.

If your definition of success is “getting the kids through college and still having enough money to retire in comfort,” then you could walk the Appalachian Trail and still not be a success.  If you define success as, “being the kind of parent I always wished I’d had and launching my kids into the world with the knowledge and resources they need to build happy, healthy lives,” then you could be a multi-millionaire and still be a failure.

In the book The Hero’s Choice, Hal’s definition of success was completely intertwined with his success in his business.  It’s only later in the story that his definition is broadened to include the his marriage and parenting skills.  If you do what Hal did – bring your definition of success in line with your values – you’ll change your life.

The very words “success” and “failure” strike right at the core for many of us, resonating with some of our deepest fears or aspirations.  But they are meaningless sources of stress until you define your terms.  If you don’t meet some defined objective or goal, that is failure.  You can avoid failing by refusing to create a goal or objective in the first place, but you will also avoid succeeding.  You alone can define the words “success” and “failure” as they apply to you.  If your passion is to teach high school science but your mother wanted you to be a successful stockbroker, then if you are a stockbroker earning six figures, you’ve failed.  The definition of success is deeply personal.

In the upcoming blogs, I’m going to introduce you to the major key to change your life and achieve success — and it’s not what you may think.  But before we go on, I’d like you to give some thought to what exactly success and failure mean for you.  Take a long look inward, noting your passions, your talents and your values.  Is your life where it “should” be?  Are you doing what you were born to do, and doing it well?

Self Actualization: Is Your Vision Clarified?

Yesterday I asked you to spend some time meditating about the elements that would play into your ideal future – what matters most to you, how you want to spend your life, and what you want to do with the time you’re given.  Now let’s work on clarifying those elements into the vision of your ideal future.  Sort through your responses from yesterday and pick out the things that resonate most with you.  Which ones move you and make you hurt a little with wanting them so much?  Those are the ones we want to deal with – your core desires.  Some of these will probably relate to your immediate future, while others may not apply until much later in life. Read more

Self Actualization: What’s Your Vision?

Remember the analogy you used when we started this quest for self actualization?  We compared it to a journey.  You’ve packed up your tools, assessed your strengths and weakness and gotten to know your traveling companions.  Now take your map out and spread it out on the table in front of you.  It’s time to find your destination. Read more

Self Actualization: So, How’s Your Life?

Remember this quote?   ““I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about – quite apart from what I would like it to be about – or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions . . . Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” Read more

Self Actualization: But Are You Having FUN?

They say it’s the little things in life that matter, and if you think about your most precious memories, you’ll know it’s true.  You probably can’t remember most of the Christmas gifts you gave in the last few years even though you agonized over the purchases at the time, but you can remember the way your little granddaughter tucked her head against her father’s cheek just as you snapped the picture in front of the Christmas tree.  You probably can’t remember the details of what you learned in your college courses, but you can remember the way a single professor changed your direction with a word, a look, or a powerful story.  You probably can’t remember what order the events took place during your wedding, but you can remember the look on your bride’s face as she said her vows. Read more

Self Actualization: Are You Happy With What You See?

In a small city in Ohio, police offers make a monthly visit to all members of the city council to deliver a package of information for the upcoming council meeting.  One Tuesday morning, officers arrived at one council woman’s home to find the door ajar.  The officers knocked and called but no one answered and there were no cars in the driveway.  They stepped inside cautiously, took one look around, and then called in a report that the place had been robbed.  Cushions were overturned, food was dumped on the floor, a pile of papers and magazines had topped and slid across the floor and clothes were flung everywhere. Read more

Self Actualization: Are You The Master Of Your Money?

“Sounds confusing!”

This line is funny because, of course, the basics of money management aren’t confusing at all.  They can be summarized in a few simple steps: Read more

Self Actualization: Is Money Everything, After All?

Money.  We’ve heard all the sayings:  “Money isn’t everything.”  “Money can’t buy happiness.”  “You can’t take it with you.”  We spend an awful lot of time and attention talking about how money doesn’t deserve our time and attention.  But at the end of the month . . . the rent is still due.  Part of reaching your state of self actualization is feeling in control of your finances and happy with your work. Read more

Self Actualization: Are You A Stranger In a Strange Place?

What is it about this scene from Fiddler on the Roof that’s so heartbreaking?  The families are being forced to leave their home village of Anatevka.  They say themselves, it’s nothing special.  “It’s just a place,” says Golda.  If you’re familiar with the story, you know that there are tensions and hard feelings between some of the residents of the village, and some of the characters are just downright irritating.  But in those last few minutes in their home, they cling to each other.

As we’ve talked about your path to self actualization, we’ve highlighted some of the qualities that make you unique – your talents, personality and your relationships.  But you are also human, sharing the same core features as all other humans, and humans are not solitary beings.  If you took the quiz yesterday, you may have realized that you struggle in this area, so let’s talk about some basic principles that will help you function as part of a community.

• Humans have an innate need to belong. If you know someone who rejects human companionship by word or action, this isn’t a case of one more personality type.  Almost always, this self-imposed isolation is evidence that something has gone wrong.  Maybe the person has been hurt too badly to trust, or is depressed.  Maybe it’s a case of mental illness.  In any of these cases, the only appropriate response is compassion.  You don’t have to enjoy anti-social behaviors, and you certainly should protect your own interests.  But reacting with judgment or negativity will only add to the damage, and you, as a card-holding member of the human race, have no right to damage others.
• Humans are reluctant to end relationships. We find security in ongoing relationships, and insecurity in ending them, even when we know that they are damaging or unhealthy.  If you know you need to end a relationship, your feeling of resistance is instinctive, and isn’t necessarily an indication that ending it is the wrong choice.
• Humans need both social contacts and solitude. If you can’t function when you’re by yourself, this is as unhealthy as being unable to function in a social group.  Find a balance between the two.
• Most people who are in healthy, enduring relationships live longer and are healthier and happier than those who are alone.
• Like attracts like. There’s no evidence that opposites attract.  People are drawn to those that are similar to themselves.  This is why we have established social rituals and a standard of good manners.  If the idea of “putting your best foot forward” feels dishonest to you (like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not), this might help explain. Two humans initially form a bond over qualities that they have in common, so they instinctively search for those similarities.  Only after the bond is formed do they begin to reveal their more “weird” features.  The origins of racism may go back to this human trait.  The solution to overcoming racism lies in finding the common, human ground between groups of people who may appear at first to be widely different.
• Friendships are built through frequent exposure. If you’re the “ship who passes through the night” type, you may be cheating yourself out of the fundamental connection that comes from being in a community of people.

The people in your “community,” whether it’s an actual town or neighborhood, a workplace, a church, or some other group or combination of groups, will not be perfect.  But through repeated exposure, you’ll come to know them, and, to varying degrees, care about them and rely on them.   There’s comfort in it, even as you may struggle to maintain the balance between that community connection and your privacy and boundaries.  Cherish your community for what it is – a loose but necessary association of flawed humans – and you’ll find that self actualization is closer than it ever was before.

Self Actualization: Are You An Island?

Sociologists have discovered that humans have an innate need to belong to a group of people.  Healthy humans devote a good amount of time and energy on securing and maintaining their place in a social group, and self actualization includes having a healthy relationship with and within a community of people.  Let’s see how you are in this area:

For each of the following statements, answer True, False, or Sort of:

1. In most situations, I feel like a stranger in a strange land.
2. I refuse to follow social norms and behaviors; after all, isn’t it more important to be myself?
3. People in general can’t be trusted, and the farther they stay away from me the better.
4. I have fewer than 2 people in my life that I like and see regularly.
5. When I hear news about tragedies in far away places, I change the station.  After all, it’s not my problem.
6. I don’t help people if I think they brought their problems upon themselves.
7. In most situations, I keep my head down and my mouth shut.  No one listens to me, anyway.
8. I have fewer than three regular “social obligations” – work, school, church, civic organizations, etc.
9. I avoid permanent connections with others.
10. Generally, I think people either ignore me or dislike me.
11. If I think another driver cut me off or another shopper cut in front of me in the deli, I let them know what I think – I don’t put up with anything from anybody.
12. My time is expensive; I don’t give it away to any person or organization without a tangible payoff.
13. Frequently I wonder why the people still in my life put up with me.
14. Usually people who fall on hard times did something to make it happen.
15. I know which people at church/the club/the gym/work are likely to ask for a donation of time or money, and I avoid them.
16. I move around a lot, either by physically moving house or by never frequenting the same place too often.  I’m not a “regular” anywhere.
17. I know some people are outraged by some of the things going on in the world today, but they’re wasting their emotional energy.  There’s nothing you can do to change the world.
18. There are no groups where I feel really welcome and included.
19. There are no groups where I feel necessary.
20. I can’t really make a difference in the world.
21. Life is short, so I’m going to look out for Number One.
22. I know I should do more to help others, but I’m too busy.
23. I wish there was a way to make a difference, but life is what it is.
24. I wish I knew how to fit into groups, but I’m always the awkward hanger-on.
25. There are fewer than four people who probably feel like they “need” me.

The more “true” responses you were able to give, the more disenfranchised from society you may feel.  Your journey toward self actualization will include strengthening your ties to a functioning community of people.  This might include involvement in organizations like civic groups or church, volunteering, and contributing resources like your talents, money, leadership abilities and time.

If you aren’t used to thinking of yourself as a social animal, you might assume that this isn’t an important element of self actualization.  Once you experience the richness of living fully in a community of other humans – giving and taking and interacting – you’ll see what a difference it makes.  The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin reported on a study that was conducted on people with “dismissing avoidant attachment style,” in other words, people who believe they don’t need to belong.  In studies, the participants felt better about themselves when the others in the group accepted them.  After a certain amount of rejection and hurt, you may not want to need others, but you still do.  The key is to learn to be a part of a community while still protecting your personal boundaries and sense of identity.  And we’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

Self Actualization: Are You Building Your Friendships?

When something wonderful happens in your life, you call your friends to share it.  When something bad happens, you call a friend to lean on.  When you’re ready to make a change in your life, whether it’s hair color or marital status, you call a friend and confide your plans.  Humans were created to live in a community, and the richest part of that community is your friendships.  But if the friendship quiz from yesterday left you concerned about how well you’re carrying your end, here are some things you can do to get that turned around so that you can maximize your progress toward self actualization: Read more

Self Actualization: Are You The Friend a Friend Would Like to Have?

We’ve been talking about how you can attain self actualization, and specifically, right now, we’re taking a look at some of the important relationships that can make or break us.  Take this quiz about your friendships to highlight some of the areas that might need work.

For each of the statements, answer True, False, or Sort of: Read more

Self Actualization: Can Your Family Handle Conflict?

A and B gossip about C behind her back, then compliment her to her face.  D tries to form an alliance with E, who is secretly allied with both A and L and F and M.  F tells M what E told him, but with just a little twist, while E confesses to B that he can’t trust E, and thinks that C is an idiot.  And all of the letters, from A to Z, have only one real goal in mind:  to win. Read more

Self Actualization: Let’s Take a Look at the Rest of the Team!

The First Theory of Relativity, according to Chloe in the movie You Can Choose Your Friends, “states that time moves more slowly when you spend it with relatives . . . And the Second Theory of Relativity is that time spent with your family and time spent in the real world move at different speeds.  So you could leave your family for decades and when you finally come home again, only a few seconds have elapsed and nothing’s changed at all.” Read more

Self Actualization: Can You Say It Out Loud Without Starting a Fight?

“Mind if I have a seat?” he asked, timidly.

She shrugged, making no move to put down the test she was correcting. Read more

Self Actualization: Can You And Your Partner Approach Life As a Team?

“I feel small admitting this, Charlie, but the truth is, I resented you – your money, your power, your prominence.”  Hal wondered if he should proceed so openly.   But if I don’t, we’re still playing games.  It’s risky, but it’s the only way we’ll get to bedrock. Read more

Self Actualization: Does Your Life Partnership Need Some Work?

In our quest toward self actualization, I’ve asked to you look inward, and now we’ve started to look outward; namely, at the quality of your relationship with your life partner.    Yesterday, you took a quiz about your relationship (if you didn’t catch that blog, click here).  Today we’ll analyze your results. Read more

Self Actualization: Who’s Your Travel Partner?

Whether you consider your marriage strong or weak, you can only benefit from strengthening it.  Yesterday  you did a self-assessment.  Now let’s take a look at the triad that is your marriage – you, your partner, and the unique team that the two of you form together.   Let’s begin with a little quiz.  You can invite your partner to take the quiz as well if both of you are working on self actualization, but don’t show each other the results. Read more

Self Actualization: Ready for the details? (Part 2)

Today we’ll finish up the self assessment quiz for self actualization.  The goal right now is to determine which areas of your life you feel strongest in, and which need work.  Remember, you can’t fail this test; this is just a snapshot of where you are.   Today we’ll start with: Read more

Next Page »